Fallen Down

I knew it. Knew I would break down sooner or later. And I have today.

I know I hutang a lot of people lots of entries and I've not forgotten my promises...It's just that this semester has just started and it's so crazy I know only God can carry me through.

No, I'm not kidding. When I mean crazy, it IS crazy, not just to me, but for every student in my course. Our time-tables are crazy with only one day of rest in a week(Sunday doesn't count), and outside school hours, we need to be brain storming for ideas, gathering news stories, shooting our videos, practicing our software skills, editing our sound tracks and video clips, creating a website...Rushing our Final year Project and for me, these two months also include writing my resume, preparing my port folio and going for interviews...oh, not to mention apartment hunting as well...Don't get me wrong, I'm fine with my two subjects this semester, but there's just too many things to be done and so little time I can't really get to enjoy them as much as i would. I love Broadcast Journalism seriously though Online Journalism is only so so to me.

Recently a lot of people I've been in touch with have been depressed. For various reasons. I know how important it is for people to show that they care when you're feeling down and I tried to share their burden just as so many brothers and sisters have done for me in the past.

The thing is, I found myself slowly sliding backwards at time went by(I don't know why) and I've kind of drifted down the stream a little at the moment. Is it because I'm tired? I don't know. I really don't.

Today during our 5 hours break, we went to one of my classmate's house to complete our tutorial, brainstorm plan for our upcoming assignments and rest. Just that she was too upset to sleep with us and seeing how depressed she was, we couldn't sleep either. So all of us ended sharing, okay, at least 3 out of 5 did (not including me coz everyone is already bored to death with my story due to my frequent outbursts in the middle of the night~errrr....)

Hmmmm~ so the thing is, I reached home feeling really tired today at 8 something after CF and a sharing session with Joycelin over dinner. And I'm worried sick about how I'm going to edit my chapter 1 and 2(needs a lot of re-doing) and print it by tomorrow morning before my consultation with my supervisor. I just got my drafts back and I really want to excel in this report. Actually, I shouldn't even be blogging here but I just need an outlet to voice out my feelings before I burst.

Logged unto facebook a while, read a few friends' status and updates then somehow, stupidly, naturally or maybe just out of pure habit went to click on someone's profile again. And then thought of many things and the sharing we had at my classmate's house today.

Sometimes girls are just so softhearted, so vulnerable, so silly and though we know this, we can't control it. No matter how many times we have been hurt, disappointed by that same person, we always forgive and accept them even though we know we are running the risk of being drawn into a sad cycle over and over again. However deep the hurt is, we swallow our grief again and again, just waiting for that word of apology that somehow guys find so hard to say. And we're willing to start over again. We have all been silly before, we have all been cheated before, but yet, we are ever willing to accept him when we're in love. Regardless of what he did in the past, present or would do in the future. (Disclaimer : Neh, not all of us are like that but most of us are.)

Since I surrendered it to the Father, it doesn't hurt me anymore, not that gnawing at the heart at least or that wrenching kind of feeling you feel when something is torn away from your heart roughly. I went through deliverance, not once, not twice, but many many times. Even so, it's not completely over. There's this kind of numb aching feeling(complicated I know) that is no longer heavy, no longer painful, no longer causes me to cry out loud into my pillow, but just makes me so unhappy, so sad that I want to run away to avoid all of this. To escape into a land without memories.

What used to be sweet - the smells, the touch, the feeling, the places...have all turned into recollections I just wish to avoid. I hate it when I visit the same places, when I eat the same food, drink the same drinks, smell the familiar smells etc, and all those memories come flooding back to overwhelm me.

I can't help feeling so awful when you said everything about us started because of THEM, and ended because of YOU. But YET, you're apparently still very good friends with THEM until now, keeping in touch with one another whilst we on the other hand, lost even our basic foundation of friendship. Nothing is left. I feel so idiotic that you are giving me nothing yet I still care, for what I do not know. It's not like I want to be with you now, or anyone else in that matter. I'm not even ready to face you now.


I thought I'd forgiven, I thought I wouldn't mind anymore, but maybe that was just what I THOUGHT, and not my true feelings. I wish to forgive you but it's so hard.

As I learnt in CF camp, some of the steps BEFORE forgiving is

1. Not forgetting the offense - deal with it instead
2. Does not mean you do not "feel" anymore - are no longer angry or hurt - You ACKNOWLEDGE the hurt.

I found THIS ABSTRACT which is a sermon that explains we can pray for God to deal with the injustices we feel, for God to judge the person's life, and then we can leave that prayer at the altar. We no longer have to carry the anger. Although it is normal for us to feel anger toward sin and injustice, it is not our job to judge the other person in their sin.


Hmmmmm~ I'm still learning but I know Father, you love me best and it hurts you when I doubt, and even more when I bleed inside. I really wish to forgive as you have forgiven me but I can't do this on my own. I need you Father, I need you...!

I know all this happened for a reason and you will help me overcome this mess I got myself into, to grow as I learn to seek you more and love you more. And I know you understand how I feel even though I'm so tired I'm typing incoherently now with lots of grammar mistakes, typos and jumbled up sentence structures. Father, you alone understand.