Dishearted

Just finished talking with Kricia early this evening regarding my problems in church. I feel dishearted, I really do!

I'm not a passive person, seldom am, never truly was. I would understand if this problem happened to someone who never took any initiative to approach people or be friendly, or expect too much of people. But the thing is, I'm NOT!@!@!I am assured by this because normally, everywhere I go, in different situations and churches, I get friends and I get "registered" in people's minds.

Everytime I go to youth or cellgroup here(used to), the only people really trying to make things work would be my cell leader - making awkward polite conversation with me(last time). And all the other members are mostly not strong Christians, new believers or just passive. Cannot connect with them. Go to church alone because don't like to ma fan people and go back alone. Sit alone, people beside me think i'm new, i think they're new but apparently both aren't new.Next week,same routine.

I attended youth services. Leaders are mostly serving. I smile at people, and introduce myself and get half-hearted nods and when I make any kind of conversation, get short abrupt replies and people just turn back to their cliques after sort of being forced to respond to me.Even during ice-breaking, I join in the discussion but nobody takes notice of me...:S...I feel erm...my classmates like to use this horrible proverb(chinese), translated, it simply says using your FACE to stick to people's cold butt? (wad the heck I know)...meaning, getting thrown back at your own face...something like that.

Supper time is suposed to be fellowship and bonding time. Not for me. Any conversation I make, or attempt to make is given a close-ended answer. And I feel cold-shouldered. People and their cliques are just too strong...TOO STRONG would be an understatement >.<

Actually, I don't really have a healthy strong esteem. I keep this to myself and close friends. But really, I don't have a nice body, features are not strong and dainty and mummy used to tell me, she's just happy coz her three daughters are good even though they may not be pretty. So seriously, guys who say they think I look nice are actually pretty disillusioned or trying to please me =.=||| But then, beauty is subjective.

The worse thing an ex once told me was this, " You're not cute, you're not pretty, I don't know why, but I just like you."

WHAT THE HECK BETUL!!! Unnecessary information okay? If you kept quiet, I wouldn't say you were dumb!!!Okay, that seriously seriously hurt me and I was rendered speechless.



Now at church, I feel the same. So many pretty (not eligible by the way) girls around me. They are really really pretty, AND popular. So when people ignore me, I tend to think and have this super super STRONG feeling that :

1. I'm uninteresting (that's why people can't even give me 5 minutes of their attention span)

2. I'm unattractive and UGLY (that's why nobody sees me, eyesore)

3. I'm stupid (can't even think of some bright conversation)

4. I'm useless (cannot contribute so why should people share ideas about planning with me?)

But come on, in my ugliest period, in secondary school and even in a totally new environment in foundation, I still found close friends who accepted me for who I am. Ugly, old-fashioned, outdated as I was, I had friends everywhere I went! I was happy and am easily happy with people around me. So what is wrong with the environment here? Am I that bad?

YOU SEE~ Going to youth and cell group pretty much becomes my stumbling block. Coz going there and coming back, I always feel WORSE about myself, MORE LONELY and arrrrrrghhh just frustrated in general. It's not healthy and seriously not helping me grow lorh...!!! As Kricia told me, I'm closer to HER cell group members (know around 6 or 7 of them and can share and talk with them) more than my OWN cell group members lorh.

LOW SELF ESTEEM is what my youth and cell group gives me. Well, at least I know for a fact. with m rationality that I'm not bad coz GOD MADE ME and HE does not make mistakes!@!!! I'm super reassured about this. That's what keeps me going and not suicidal in this environment. Okay, it's the only thing that keeps me from crying out loud. I'm not stupid enough to THINK that I'm particularly good in anyway, but I think I'm a pretty moderate person in general. I'm not good, but I'm NOT BAD either k?

The only thing that draws me to church is the children's church which I'm involved in. I appreciate our leader, sis Yen Yee, who's always trying to help me out in my serving.She understands my passion, and is always finding reading materials or nice english books that she thinks will help me in my area, or are interesting to me. There are heaps of Cds and DvDs for me to learn from. They are from the church library, but she takes the kind effort to call me up and pass them to me, explaining what the materials are for and why she thinks I'll like them.Like how to use object lessons, how to deal with 80 different kinds of problematic children and how to understand them, How to lead worship, how to put yourself fully into children's ministry. And they really help! And God speaks to me through them. And when I pray, He shows me what He wants me to do, or change.God is a personal God that connects with us and He is sooooo awesome!!!

I'm growing, I admit, yes. But only in one aspect - children's ministry. I learn to understand and cope with situations, with different children, how to be creative, how to draw strength from HIM...and He speaks to me in so many ways - opening my eyes to new things and I grow, a personal development though. Just that, somehow, it is lopsided. It's not healthy, what about youth, what about cell group what about the other aspects of my spiritual life? Except for Yen Yee, actually, I can't connect with the other teachers in Sunday school as well...Polite conversation, yes, but meaningful, seldom...Why I say so? Coz after repeating myself every week that I'm still studying, except for Yen Yee(who remembers my background and registers our conversation), others always think I'm working!@!@!@!!After so long!!!

The church sponsored quite a lot of money already to send me for training and I'm not a member. Didn't register, coz it means commitment and I don't want to commit to some place I'm not sure I will be joining long-time(it seems like cheating) but I feel bad for leaving after gaining so much!

*sigh~I hate being left in a corner. I try hard, I really do. But one hand can clap no sound as the chinese saying goes.Am currently asking God whether I should leave upon graduation to make a clean break.What is His will? Where?And when?