Two by Two

If good things come in pairs, I guess bad things come the same way. This is going to be a super Emo and Boring ranting post just to let out steam so I suggest those who are not interested to hear me moaning, stop reading right now or you'll just end up wasting your time.

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Had no internet access in PJ and there were just so many things in my mind. Couldn't express myself and faced some of the situations when you really don't want to talk to anyone about it coz no one would really comprehend. I could only cry out aloud to God but then stupid Asthma seemed to have come back and I had to force myself to calm down on frequent intervals due to breathing problems =.=||| Either that, or whatever, I can just blame my air passage for being blocked due to unknown reasons.

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So many things happened within the short period of two days.

First, there was this unmentionable issue within the house on Sunday, one that I'm not supposed to blog about, or mention to anyone. I got really upset over it and crying really didn't help. It came to a point when I was really going to burst. I finally confided to Mable since I don't think she'll be really affected by "grownup issues". Not that there was any solution to the problem though. Issue number one left me in a bad bad mood.

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Issue number two was my job interview with Cleo. I didn't really go there with much high hopes. But nevertheless, I prepared well, read through the Job interview DvD sample answers daddy gave me, blew my hair nicely, got into my semi-formal white dress and put on subtle makeup which including slapping on two coats of liquid foundation to conceal my swollen eyes.

I know that I prayed many times, that "even though I've run astray, Father,I'm still trying hard to come back to you and you know that I want to live my life for You alone, even though I may have gone afar. You know I'm trying to come back and I pray that you may bless me with a job where I can shine for You and learn what is best for the making of me."

So I kinda had faith that "come what might be, my Father is in control and He knows best".

Hmmmm~ Just that somehow, it kind of hurt when 1st, I was immediately given a thumbs down becoz I was just a fresh graduate with no experience in this particular field(they were looking for someone with more experience to replace the senior writer that just left). Secondly, erm, those who know me know my smile right? I mean, I'm just trying to be friendly. But I was told that I wouldn't be smiling like this anymore when I started working there as the stress amount was tremendous. Of course I smiled when I heard that and said I'd expected publishing work to be like that, but the same sentence was repeated. (You can smile now, but you won't smile later*unfriendly tone)Thirdly, they said my expected salary of RM 2k was too high.

Anyway, I was given the consideration of entering at internship level or freelance. Homework or test? Come up with 5 story ideas and present them in email to Editor. Then only they'll conclude where I can stand. A yes or no.

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Issue number three was the one I cried about on my way to PJ, during my stay there and when I returned to Tampin again. I had so many things to say before I got online here, so many things going on in my mind but now I'm sitting right in front of my pc, I just don't have the strength to go through all the recollections again.

There's been so many situations in my life that I've been through but none that made me so close to saying the three forbidden words. Those three words that would bring us to the land of no return. And no, for those romantics out there, it is NOT "I love you (or whatever shit) but more of the opposite.

Yeap, drama queen as I'm known, I still know where the barrier stands when it comes to emotional times because some words uttered can cause consequences that can never be undone.

And yea, that's so typical. Blame me for everything I've been through, my history and so on. Bring it all up. It's all my fault.

It's my fault that person number 1 played with my feelings even though I'd already told him that I'd entered serious mode. But he strung me along and I believed him. My fault for being plain stupid.

Also my fault that person number 2 told me to give it a go as he wished to do away with the hurt person number 1 caused. Again, it was my fault that he got all emo and moody after having several upsets with his own mum, got "sick" of women and I couldn't' come back AT ONCE after Christmas to accompany him coz I wanted to spend more time with my own family so I got dumped. Again.

I regret to say that it was my fault again that person number 3 came into the picture. That he used me for "entertainment", to help out in his coursework and totally cut off communication with me in his emotional turmoil. And yea, before I forget, my fault I got dumped. Again.

As for the infamous person number 4(whom my classmates hate coz they're apparently more outraged than I am) I don't think it's necessary for any accounts of the whole story again. I was spoilt and over pampered because every single one of my needs were seen to and taken care of to the smallest detail. I lived in a fairytale I never dared to dream about.

Guess the thing that made me become insecure was the fact that it seemed too good to last. Bearing my previous encounters in mind, this seemed to surreal and ideal.

True enough, not long after we faced LD, it suddenly became too much to ask for when we corresponded through emails only once a month. No messages.

But then, it wasn't really a relationship, so again, who am I to demand? It ended somewhat abruptly and so did our friendship. And yea, I'm too clingy that's why I was eager to hear from a particular person I liked like twice a week or something.

And yea, you're feeling all that they went through. How sympathetic.

I'm not trying to play who's victim and who's not here. But just want to, as you put it, JUSTIFY some accusations.

More ranting on this later in next post(*so readers please don't bother to read), anyway, I feel too weak at heart to elaborate further today. The thing is, I officially announce I'm going to be the author of only one blog, which is THIS one from today onwards and I might be password protecting some of my posts as soon as I find out how to do that.

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Issue number four might be referred to as " the straw that broke the camel's back". I had already cried until I was really worn out by the time I got onto the train back. So I made up my mind not to disgrace myself further in public like previous trip by dropping silent tears like some suicidal emo lady. I did put in some effort to a certain extent. I dressed nicely(*feeling girly normally cheers me up~)

Then there was this horrible smelly(macam garbage and smoke combined) guy that asked his mates in a LOUD voice, where was seat number FOUR B (*note: I'm seated in 4A). They laughed and motioned him towards the seat beside me. He sat there and looked down my chest(*what the fish but I cannot complain coz he didn't touch me also...and I was already feeling very sad and emo by that time so was keeping quiet and minding my own business with watery eyes). Then I covered my chest with my bag and kept still, all senses on alert in case of emergency.

Finally, after enduring half an hour of that HAM SAP LOU's staring, guard came to check his ticket and he was asked to move to FOUR C as that was his rightful seat!!! WHAT THE FISH THAT STUPID HAM SAP LOU CAN YOU NOT BULLY POOR LADIES SITTING ALONE, YOU SHOULD BE KILLED FOR THE SAMPAH MASYARAKAT YOU ARE!!!! He continued, I repeat, CONTINUED to stare at me from the seat across =.=||| Anyway, after knowing that he was trying to bully me, I couldn't help it. I started crying silently to myself hating all the horrible species of men WHO bully vulnerable girls in this world. (Okay, I'm NOT stereotyping all readers of the opposite sex, just a certain category)

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Just so you know, my previous decision to become a nun was inspired by the thought, not that it would change anything, but just to avoid unnecessary pain, fallen hopes and at least, somewhere deep inside, I know I would still be able to preserve my respect and faith in MENkind.

My last quote for the day? I deeply regret the night it all started. I wish it'd never happened. It's like someone took a knife and gashed through the entire photo album I had and ruined every picture taken. If it was a beautiful dream when it began, it faded into a nightmare in which everything turned into ashes.