High Five?

Ranting part 2 : Please do not read as you won't make any sense out of this post and you WILL get bored. I'm serious.

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Bleeeearrrrrghhh! I tried playing worship songs to calm myself down after emo-ing in bed half the morning but during all the praise parts, I just break down. I give up.

I had so many things I wanted to blog about this morning when I woke up, with outbreaks all over my face due to lack of rest but now I feel too emo to even blog a long post about it. I'll just let out a little here and return to my room to mope before the clock strikes two and I have to put up a happy mask in front of my dad and grandparents.

I dunno how I can be friends with him again so that's why I DON'T WANT to speak to him. At all. I don't even know whether I want to see this person again. Ever. In my life. I know I've said before, that I would and I could be friends with him whatever happens. But maybe I hadn't taken into consideration that it would be THIS bad.

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Okay, it's one thing to take responsibility over something current.Another to bring up my past and blame me for it.Which K feels is unacceptable too. And J feels is just plain indecent.

It's my fault that I sekali-kali kena dumped by different people. And when I say different, I MEAN different. As in, they have like, totally opposite natures.

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My actual first was a good-for-nothing son of a pastor(I seriously have no idea why he should have gone wrong in the first place *with his parents being so religiously strong and firm in their faith and all that... but then decided he must have been too spoilt and his parents just let him be). Itu memang sampah masyarakat - couldn't study and didn't want to, selalu lepak with a bunch of Ah Bengs, wastes money on odd things, threw tantrums at his mum...and if you asked me, honestly, I'd never fallen in love with him but just when I was learning to accept him for who he was - good for nothing and all, EVEN when he told me one random day that if we got married, he didn't believe in using birth control a.k.a. protection (wad the fish right?), he dumped me after another row(erm...they have lots and lots of fights and rows) with his mum one emo day. Then he started blaming all the women in the world and that's the story of how I got dumped. One minute he mati-mati declare undying love towards me and write me a BOOK of poems when we were having LDR, the next moment, he got sick of everything and quit. JUST LIKE THAT. I mean, I put up with HIM (all the people in our church back then couldn't understand HOW in the world I could have ended up with him anyway and my best friends were shaking their heads - mismatch betul)but guess what? I was the one who kena DUMPED. Go figure.

Second actual one laughed at my first case saying that "this kind of guy can throw liao" and somehow I ended up with him coz I thought he was pretty cute. =.=||| yea, I know, really lame reason to be together with someone. To cut the long story short, I believed in him even though I could see no real future with him but there were some things that happened. He was a lousy bf to be sure, as in, I would always be there for him but he would never be there for me. He had mood swings in which he would cut me completely out of his life, but then mati-mati profess apologies and beg for forgiveness when he was desperate and needed me =.=||| Nah, this kind of lousy fella I also can tahan. Boastful, confident but with nothing actual to show. But guess what? I was the one that kena DUMPED again. FUH!

The unrealistic case after that lagi funny. He was a good guy and he was always there for me. I knew without meeting, without talking that he cared for me. This one nothing to complain. Just that first, there was 24-hour passion and attention plus communication given in all aspects. And the next thing that happened was that everything was suddenly cut off and taken away. And I'm supposed to live with that and it's my fault that everything had to end this way. *gives you a big fake smile~

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Yea, every relationship has to be centered around God. But then, God or no God, I guess characteristics play an important role as well. I mean, my spiritual life grew amazingly whilst I was with my first, and not that he had much testimony in his life or was really passionate about God being in our relationship or something right? I mean, bearing in mind that he's a weird desperate fellow currently searching for another girlfriend coz he just feels lonely like that, I guess he had nothing to do with my previous growth? I would just say it wasn't God's timing, and also, as an answer to why we broke up? Maybe we were just too different to begin with. And there are limits you can stretch to find similarities.


Conclusion, too much passion is not good. NOT GOOD. And it doesn't work out. However, too little passion can't work for me as well. I mean, how can a relationship work without passion? It's kind of like, there, but not there, and what guarantee do you have that it's there? It's not hot, it's not cold, it's not even lukewarm!!! So how do you know it is there? I'm supposed to just KNOW? Like that? Based on what?

I only feel it when we meet, I only sense it when you voice or write it out. Other than that, there's nothing! Nothing at all! There's no eagerness to meet up, no happiness or enthusiasm to signify any feeling...no nothing!@!@!@!@!@!! And yea, there's no communication. So I guess no passion can't work out at all. Tepuk sebelah tangan.

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So the thing is, I'm currently feeling very hurt, so hurt I dun wan2 talk about the whole incident even to Mable. And if you know me, I seldom feel anti-social after this kind of thing. Normally talk to lots of people.So I'm not very normal. The last time I reacted this way - keeping to myself and moping alone was back in February, year 2006. And I thought I'd never resort to that again.

I had apparently forgotten that smiling could be THIS hard~Well, I tried and I remember now.

I want my mummy ~(T_T) I really want her...only she would know what to do in this situation. I know she'd tell me the phrase she always repeats when I get hurt or betrayed by friends, that "whatever happens, you will always still have your family, to support you and be there for you".

But mummy is not here for me now~ *breaks down into tears

I can't tell anyone, can't share with any friend. I must not tell my family members as they will perhaps resent the people who caused me grieve or hurt me intentionally or not, they will get all worried, anxious and it's just not good to drag them into a problem that was born out of my own doing.

I do appreciate little Ben, little Samuel, brother Joshua and Mike for just dropping some encouraging words to me. I'm sorry I cannot share my problem with you all but it is comforting that somebody cares.

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Back to the title of my post. I once told myself that I'd only ever accept a guy if he has had a past of less or equivalent to five people. That's the limit I gave myself to. So it's reached the point where I hope never to be disappointed over such stupid issues again and who knows, I'll be empowered by the Father to do greater things just becoz I'm single and I am free.

Babies? Adopt those who need my love as much as my own child would. If God does allow it and it is His plan for me, I'll be as good a single mother as others out there.

Erm no, if you're questioning whether I'm being plain dramatic or what? I'm really dead serious here.