You started the game, you ended it. You got over it. No, wait. The WHOLE WORLD has gotten over it AND moved on. And I'm the only one left still standing on the spot. Because I'm stupid. And this great news couldn't have come better at any time. A day and a half to be exact, before my second final paper on Monday morning. But then, there's seriously no such thing as a good time for this sort of thing I guess.
1. First of all, I'm very sorry for thinking too much and misunderstanding you(as recorded in my previous posts) about the dinosaur and so on. This is very embarrassing. I owe you an apology. Sorry~
2. That aside, it's your fault for making me too dependent on you in the beginning and then suddenly leaving me without any sign of contact. Just like a bomb. Explode into thin air and say byebye leaving all the damage behind.
You spoilt me and I had no time to really shoot up and handle this rationally and maturely overnight when you decided to quit or press exit. I feel so stupid seriously.
3. It's MY fault for becoming too emotionally dependent on you. I should work on it and learn to grow up. It just started so naturally because we both had problems and we started sharing together. Maybe even shared a little too much and that's when it all went wrong.
4. However, it doesn't make me feel less indignant (不甘心) because it was yours to come and go as you please.
4. I feel like a rebound or substitute and it's totally not a good feeling coz it makes me feel like a failure after all this. You're saying it was all something wrong to start with. A mistake at the very beginning.
And here I am, the one who got obsessed over this relationship, which is NOT EVEN an actual relationship. The one who got dangerously emotionally dependent, feeding on dreams and hopes that were never going to come true. Living in a fantasy world where there's REALLY no "happily ever after".
5. The good thing is I grew up erm...a little little bit since you left. A little means slightly independent. I thank my family and those friends who were always by my side during those bad times. Couldn't do it without you.
As deb told me, there's no "who's right who's wrong" in this kind of stuff. All voluntary.
To tell the truth, your reading those posts was like the worst nightmare come true. I did not even have the courage to sit down calmly and read the email.
I've told you before, and I'll tell you again. I've never expected or thought you to be perfect. You were always still human in my eyes, just, a human trying hard to be good.
The thing I can't comprehend is, why can't you learn to accept yourself the way everyone else does? Guys are just born to be that way. Born, made...whichever way you put it.
You have struggles, we all have struggles...Who doesn't? There's no such things as unworthy because all things are new again in Christ who willingly died on the cross for you and me...we are redeemed by Him. And HE did all that knowing we would still sin in our weak nature. Yet He still never gave up on us. HE excepted us for who we are so why can't you except yourself? HE knows the worse in us, I mean, the worse in everyone of us. Who doesn't have a dark side? Who was naturally born to be good? Anyone?
Whatever it is, after typing all this. I'm tired. I'm tired of all this bullshit. Tired of crying. Tired of getting upset. Tired of getting hurt. Tired of letting people see me like this. Unnecessarily. Shit !!!!!! I don't know how many times I've cursed today(yes I know it is wrong)...more than 30 that's for sure.
I'm so tired of all this emotional turmoil I'm angry. With myself. Anyway, I need to study and I know this. I'm not going let my family or myself suffer because of something stupid I got myself into.
This song I'm listening to has told me :
And when the flood waters overwhelm me, I know that you are still God. You are still on the throne, You are still in control. You are still there to help me along the way, still there to pull me up when I stumble, when I'm too weak to carry on.
I'm overwhelmed with this horrible flood of emotions. I just got broken. Yes, YOU are forever in control no matter that happens. Please grant me peace, grant me courage to continue this journey...
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