Heavy

It's too heavy I cannot bear it anymore...I'm suffocating...I want to vomit, I want to scream...!!@!!!!! The Burden is too heavy!!!

I cannot scream aloud, there's no one around for me to get everything off my chest...I cannot tell it to anything around me...(*recalls the story of King Midas with Donkey Ears)...

I'm asking God, "Why was this burden passed to me?" And He has already answered my question.It was given to me because at the moment, I am the only one who knows who to surrender it to (T_T)and how...back to HIM and HIM alone.

Dear God, why is it that after the smooth, there will always be the rough path to walk? Is it Your reminder to me not to run far away from you, thinking I won't need you and getting too confident?

But this time too many things are happening...three big problems at one time!@!@!!! Okay, maybe for the time being, let's taking away the super childish and ridiculous issue which is agreed by 90% of those who have read between the lines, to be really stupid, as in S.T.U.P.I.D. and pointless.

Again, I want to clarify that this is a private blog. PRIVATE blog, meant only for readers I INVITE to read even though I have stopped restricting it due to the inconvenience of verifying readers. If you sendiri mati-mati find this blog and managed to read it even though you are not invited, first acknowledge



1. You are utmost Unwelcome UNLESS you do not know me in person(face-to-face) and merely read my blog out of interest.

2. It is your choice to read this blog and therefore I as the owner, am not responsible towards your feelings for what you have read since you are not invited and are actually intruding MY privacy. Also, do not blame anyone if you feel uncomfortable reading the contents of this blog since you were initially supposed to be protected from such "harmful" exposure. I emphasis again, it is YOUR choice and you must bear the consequences for being "ke-po-chi".

3. You must understand that my sole purpose of blogging is to relieve myself of overwhelming feelings and not to hurt anyone intentionally (especially Unwelcome Visitors). You were not invited for a reason, okay?

"Unspoken Words" is the title of this blog because here is the place I can record what I really feel (sometimes in a hyperbole manner because at the heat of the moment, I just want to let out my emotions in torrents...and language might be a bit strong coz it is a place for me to "fa1 xie4"), things I do not say out loud for the fear of humiliating some parties or making them feel unhappy or whatever...I have said and I will say again, this is a PERSONAL blog and I have the freedom to publish anything I wish because this is MY blog and if you don't like to read what I've written, then you are SO NOT welcome here. Get a life and create your own blog to say what you like.

As a semi-conclusion to that matter, I can only say that if you want to talk to me but do not wish to know my honest opinion, or, you just want someone to agree with your stand, then DON'T talk to me at all...A conversation is TWO-WAY traffic in flow of ideas...Kalaulah you want a "nodding doll" who nods its head all the time and smiles at you to agree in everything you want it to agree on, DON'T find me and I will just SHADDUP. Why must I waste my time and effort breaking something and explaining something for hours nicely and in a very gentle manner when at the end of the day, people think I'm being insulting, not understanding and choose to misinterpret my points into something COLD, HARSH and HORRIBLE. Might as well don't bother. I have something better to do than to be misunderstood and then end up being treated in a super childish "kindergarten style" manner. If I might thank you very much for that. If you just want a listener who agrees to all you say, write a diary and address the reader to yourself.

My sister told me my problem is that I've not been frank enough. But wait.


See :

If I speak, then I hurt you...IF I don't speak to avoid hurting you, I still hurt you. (So much for the Chinese saying that goes "when you don't have anything nice to say, just shut up").

If the end result is that I'm ALWAYS hurting you...then let's not waste our time touching on sensitive subjects...I won't bother to be frank, or to please you(and defy my own will) or whatever if the end result is always "not helping others" or worse, "hurting others". If I don't think I can bring anything positive to the outcome, might as sit still and think of something that can benefit the world more right? Or at least focus on not harming the world. Betul tak? Hmmmm~ the best thing I have done was to keep quiet, save my breathe, energy and effort, besides minimizing the risk of harming people.

Enough about silly issues.

Right now, another bigger matter (out of the three) is that I'm fighting my emotional and stubborn part with my rational part and this is a battle which really takes everything out of me. I know what I should do, but man is it hard not to follow my heart!!!

I must stop cherishing secret stupid dreams and building my castles in the air! It is time to SET MY PRIORITIES right and let HIM be the center of my everything. Anyway, it is not a choice...God will take away everything that is in the way of obstructing me to become close to Him and the process hurts...so might as well sendiri "guai1 guai1" be obedient and submit to His will. Like the potter and the vessel illustration used by my pastor last month...If the clay mati-mati want to remain stubborn tak mahu ikut the bentuk properly...The potter has to keep molding and molding and baking and baking it SAMPAI~~~~~~ it jadi...So if tahu pada akhirnya, it has to be this shape and is meant to be this shape, why not just try my best to submit into the shape so that I don't need to go through so much pain and suffering neh? My problem : sendiri suka cari pasal...ARRGGGHHHHH!

However, at times like this, I am really grateful that God has not left me alone. HE only allows us to experience something bearable in trials...Somewhere somehow, His grace and strength is always efficient...I have Gail and my spiritual mentor, XJ to guide me back to God at all times and support me in prayer...

One thing XJ has really taught me and I have really experienced is...A lot of times, I depend too much on people to help me solve my problems. Sometimes, it is just time to get back to our God, who is not someone far away and high and mighty up there, but a friend who loves, cares and is always willing to reach out and help us when we seek Him...And my dear Father in heaven HAS proved to be forever faithful...A lot of times, the only thing hindering us from meeting Him, from getting close to Him is SIN!!! It was what originally separated mankind from God since the old Testament and is still happening now...However, let us not forget, when Jesus came down to the earth to die on the cross, it was for the sake of us. For you, for me and everyone around regardless of what we did, what we will do and what we are doing. All our sins, born on the cross...All our shame, He took on his shoulders...and Why? Because of Love...because HE is love to begin with.