WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????? I think I'm growing old soon. I eat apples for breakfast, drink milo or soya bean; eat a mini but proper lunch but I just CANNOT eat dinner~!~!!!!@! Can someone tell me why? I do make the effort to order and all that coz I have fixed dinner buddies in the form of two small brothers who live in MSquare and Menara Jaya. So we make it a point to eat together almost every day.(Also because everyone knows I don't eat when I'm alone coz I just can't be bothered. Probably just pop in 2 biscuits so I don't get gastric pain which sucks, so there are nice people who check on me from time to time.)but wherever we go, I can only eat at the max 5 mouthfuls and that's it. Yea, I got massive food poisoning previously but that's not the point lorh. Coz actually they would have got it too as they helped me finish my hardly touched plate of food.


Anyway, the worst part is, after all the shit(like literally), I think I still love you.ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH~! I suck. And it still hurts so much it went deep inside but I can't cry.

It sucks. I think about you when I'm walking alone. I think about you when I'm working, eating and even when I'm out with friends. And I still have to smile. It's so tiring and it's draining my energy. To be honest, whenever I'm on the phone with my family members, I just wish I could cry out to them and tell them everything. But I can't. Or rather, I shouldn't. Not until I can tell them honestly that I'm well, I'm fine and I can cope with it.And sometimes during work, a tear just drops down subconsciously and my boss whose watching me and knows the story will come and "ketuk" my head. Other random days, he will tell people that I need a boyfriend and my requirements are not high, just that he must be rich and everything will be fine. It's not true~!@!@!@!@!@!@!!!!!!

Actually I do love all my friends, ALL of them, even my boss who doesn't really know how to cope with weepy girls like me. I've been trying not to be alone every day and they're all there for me. Erm, but I think I sort of scared the crap out of one of my dinner buddies when I don't know what came over me. I was very emo the other day and emotionally unstable and just out of the blue like that, I told him "Do you know I really wanted to marry him, but I can't now.And I think I'm going to cry now." The poor kid went "No, don't. *sigh ~ i don't know what to say I don't know what to do. Please don't cry."

I think I'm just messed up at the moment. But I know my Father never left me. HE's always there and HE would never let me bear any trials too great I cannot handle. I know, coz HE always lets me see big and small signs of grace as below. I still have my beautiful friends and family who really care for me.

On a happier note, I'm enjoying my church life in PJCMC more and more. I talked with my sunday school leader about priorities and servings and got the advice I needed.I also talked to one of the brothers in my office and found out how to cope with my work and perspectives - How to find joy and peace in the shittiest moments and why he can always smile and care for all of us even though he works in the worst department in the entire college.

Well, church wise, I'm starting to serve and get involved in more activities and I find great satisfaction inside doing so. Besides Sunday school, I may be joining the short Ipoh mission trip soon and I'm serving as a pianist this coming prayer meeting on Friday night. Also, I'm soooo looking forward to our youth camp in Hari Raya!!!!!!!It's gonna be a FANTASTIC time!

I love the people here! And oh, for the upcoming Youth week which is run under the theme of "John Westley's Life". I'm kind of excited coz my group is doing a sketch recorded. We're going to paint backgrounds together and we have done rehearsals and all that. Although I'm just a ke-le-feh bimbo, I'm really a bit enthusiastic, especially about my costume. It's this huge heavy velvety "disney princess" classic outfit that my group leader borrowed after her teachers' training college had a drama show thingie. It's maroon outlined with a GOLD "inner in the middle" long sleeved blouse with built-in CORSET(which obviously I cannot wear myself coz there's so many hooks at the back) matched a tremendous sweepy puffy skirt at the bottom. I nearly fainted when i saw it. It's so CUTE!!!It's quite fun actually. There's also this comic book thingie they came out with(drawn by 3 talented "artists" who copied from the book) and we all helped color it picture by picture. And erm...after a mini voting session, I was chosen to help copy words inside but I think I sort of spoiled it coz my writing was a font size too small.OOoooppps~!!! >.<

Anyway, I'm very sleepy now and I know God loves me very very very much so me and my running nose will be going to bed coz I need to go to work by 8am tomorrow. I feel better after blogging anyway. It's like letting out steam.