The Men Friend *THE term according to ky's gf melissa

Before I begin, i must say I'm touched that strangers or people i may not know really well, do read my blog...and this person, Amy from U.S. (seriously have no idea how she stumbled onto my blog)actually took the time and effort to type out a very encouraging and touching testimony in my last post(comments). I raise my hands in praise and I can only say God works miracles and HE places little angels around us all the time...They may be people far away, people you don't know...or people as close as your family members...HALLELUJAH!

Mood change(emo emo emo) and back to the topic:

You know what? *kicks self...I really really really miss him and this sucks big time! Arrrrrghhh! Ya, i know, people like K.B. (if she still reads my blog) or Gail or even HER J.T. will go " there she goes again" and shake their heads when they read this...I can't help it...emo marh...better than calling people and crying hysterically(what i've done to eve and jac two weeks ago)...blaaaaah! Now i've slightly calmed down from the "fit", might as well blog kan? haha...*tiba-tiba guna BM pulak...>.< apa la saya ni?

I remember the first time we held hands together...a picture that resembled this :



Looking back made me feel horribly emo and terribly sad...I still remember the feeling...so sweet, warm and fuzzy...I felt so safe, so secure and I remember saying outloud that if i could have my way, I would want to "hold on 4eva" and to me, putting my hand into yours symbolized the parting of a portion of m heart to you...

I wanted "us" to get together, I dreamed of a future and I even (mentally)painted a picture of our little family...I shared it to you...and you promised if You could also have your own way, God forbid anything to tear us apart...i asked you, what if, What IF, "we" were not in God's will...and you told me that if we wanted it that much, we could pray and ask God for it to be the best thing that happened to us. That our relationship in the future could make us stronger in Him...bring us closer to Him...

Seriously, seriously, seriously, i had never felt this way towards a guy before...It was you who totally SERIOUSLY taught me how to appreciate a person for what he was. Through personal examples, you taught me about acceptance...appreciating inner beauty...placing family members as a total priority...Everything positive! You taught me what it was to be sacrificial, caring, sensitive...and not to seek any compensation or credit for anything we do...

You really taught me and made me WANT to be good...not through any reproaches or remarks and lectures...but through your daily life, your serving and your sharing...I just wanted to be good for your sake *though I failed horribly coz you spoilt me? erm...>.< dats a lame excuse...But i admit I do like to be spoilt...:(

You were there for me in the darkest moments of my life...you made me smile again...and you took care of me, so much, until i did not know how to cope with life after you went away to serve Him and grow to become a better person...

Inside me, i cherished deep dreams and hopes of waiting for you...to serve together, live together until we begin a new life in heaven one day...


I admit the thought of waiting for five years was a bit unnecessary as 21-25 is the prime time of a girl's youth (something guys SHOULD know)...but perhaps he didn't realise girls are different from guys...Contrary to girls, the peak time of a guy's youth starts in 30 when they have a stable job and their minds really begin to mature...

It hurt a lot when I learnt of his coming back to Msia without telling me...A day before he celebrated his bday with his family in KL, a stupid road-blind girl went all the way back to Sg wang to exchange a t-shirt and made plans to post a happy parcel to her loved one two days later. She emailed him excitedly and received the reply Not to Waste Money. Well, what did she get in return? A scheduled email? Excuse : His line was not stable and he did not want me to worry about his not receiving the presents...Conclusion: I'm not even sure he received the box of presents which btw, the postage alone could have earned me a trip to see him in Sg...I do not know whether he REALLY liked the items in the box which i handpicked...I do not even know whether he truly appreciated the heart-felt thoughts i penned down lovingly... You know what? I feel stupid...i really do...

To read and actually VIEW with my own eyes...the celebration of his bday in KL uploaded in his sis's blog...and to think i would have never known about anything if i had not stumbled upon it on my daily "blog hops"...Do you know how deep the slash in my heart is?

I've ignored your two recent emails...I don't know whether you get the hint...

Tell me, how can I face you again? Like how i treated mummy's case, i choose not to think about it when I can...to pretend nothing existed or happened...to escape from reality...The stupid but most efficient way...When I don't think about it, i don't cry and I feel numb...I don't mention it...and hope it doesn't crop up at night...but sub-consciously, I talk to my pillows every night pretending they are you...then i break down and cry myself to sleep knowing you won't care and it's not worth it...

I just don't feel like I want to see you again, ever...yet, i know i still care stupidly...and it doesn't help knowing that on the other side of the rainbow, your virtual pet in pet society plays a more important role in your heart...

Close friend's analysis of the case :

1. If he really claimed that he wanted to save on credit and would not be reloading his hp for TWO whole months, could he not have called you on his house phone when he was back in Msia? Oh wait, maybe I was not worth the 5 minutes which would have cost RM 5 or something like that.

2. Oh, perhaps he did not want to tell you of his homecoming because he was afraid you would be hurt if you could not see him but he really could not make it...packed time-schedule...btw, this is not the first time he came back without telling you...we knew but we never told you...coz we thought he really had a reason...but seems like someone is avoiding you...Or not...erm...wait, who are you to him again? a nobody? then why should he even bother to tell you when he comes back? ooops~ who are you to him again?

3. And the emails...from once a day, to once a fortnight(which means two weeks in case some people dunno), to once a month...and when I got angry...back to once a fortnight or once a week IF im lucky...Every email is emphasized on how busy how busy and how busy he is...Analysis : WOW! Even us final year students with 6 subjects and a FYP to juggle this semester are SOoooooo free compared to him, cannot even spare 10 minutes to email...that's saying something...Or maybe I'M NOT BEING UNDERSTANDING HORH? but Ei???!@!@!@!@!!!! Why is his pet always well fed and well groomed PLUS ALWAYS happy geh? (strawberry girl's stupid reply in his defense *stupid gal tak sedar lagi : mayb some1 helped him play? Result : cannot la...only the owner him or herself can make the pet's status officially change when people sign in to view at different times) and for the information of non-players of pet society, PET SOCIETY is seriously THE hardest to load online for people who are complaining about slow connection or keep dc...Come on, even facebook itself is quite hard to get through if your line lets you down...
Conclusion:? I'm not worth the value of his pet society pet...it's happier than me :( a human being. Joo - 1, Strawberry Girl - 0...how sad can I get?


Lesson learnt? If you love a person more than you love God, HE'll just take it away for your own good...

God has to be in a center of a relationship to make it really work out...A relationship approved by HIM will only draw us closer...

Wait, that's not the end of my post yet...They say some girls mati-mati wan2 cari pasal and if i get hurt again seriously, no friend will wan2 choi me any longer...every1 is asking me to give up, let go and move on...But inside me, i just know, (yes K.B, if you're reading this, you'll be saying that I've not an ounce of women dignity in me...and letting down the generation of womenhood bla bla bla...LOL) if he were to care about me again, I would want to marry him...simply because he is the first and so far, only guy I've met that I can be myself with...I feel totally at home in his presence, no hint or trace of anything pretentious, he understands my body language better than his own...and our personalities totally click...His serving is in align with my visions...and he makes me want to be good and always encourages me to grow together with him...

I just don't understand why he's doing this to me now...but i may be stupid enough to fall all over again for him...One thing certain though, i won't make it easy for him though *dreaming again...he doesn't care cummon wake up....ARRRRRGHHHHH!!!! *cries