It's complicated

I feel so emo for so many various reasons...i wish i had someone beside me to lend an ear or just accompany me as i cry...but i guess i dun really show my real feelings in public unless with someone I'm really really really close with...so, there's no point of anyone being beside me after all...And this is why I am blogging alone here.

I dunno where to start...I just want to cry and cry and cry my heart out...i am supposed to be in bed...and i DID get into bed...only to be struck by the thought that i MUST find my bank book...Hoping to comfort myself that i had just misplaced it...I proceeded to search for the little green book...Unfortunately, i found out it IS lost!!! OFFICIALLY!!! how? so i hunted high and low for it, turning my clean and tidy room upside down (yes, i just sorted out and tidied and cleaned every corner of my room, including all my accessories and notes besides books)

While taking out my big stationary storage box, i realized that there was a baby cockroach inside...*i killed 6 today with Shieldtox* so i took it outside the hall to kill...i proceeded to rearrange all the things inside the box and 3 items caught my eye...

Let's start with the least dramatic one :

First, a 'love book' and a series of drawings an idiot once wrote me...poems, essays,drawings and all...that time so touching hor? Arrrrgh~ guys are so immature...

Wanna know THE reason why he left me after all the heart-felt forever(oh so cliche) declarations or promises?

Okaay...He quarreled with his mum and guess what? Got TIRED and SICK of gals and told me or rather, texted me one fine sunny innocent morning wen i woke up to go to uni...

Wad a way to start my day horh? and then wen i didn't reply, he texted again " if you dun reply, i will take your silence as a sign of mutual consent"...

Serves me right la actually, to get into a relationship to "heal my wound" ...i never loved him and he knew it, but i tried my best and just as i was really putting it all in, Wham!!! He knocked me down with a...erm...okay, a lame excuse...Now looking back, i really wonder how, HOW IN THE WORLD could i even give a chance (however much he begged for it) to such an Ah Beng...(okay, d boy has officially turned into an ah beng now - current style)...ei, not just simply a guy k? He was a pastor's son...in a family that just did not seem right...all of them were weird...well, except the father...hmmm~ okok...no judgment...

After we "broke up", i remember an incident wen it was pouring cats and dogs...for real...the road to my apartment was flooded...and i was supposed to be a pianist for Sunday school ( the church that time was like 10 minutes walk away but i could NOT walk in that circumstance right?)i tried calling a taxi but none would come as it was flooded...okay, note : the ah beng and his family lived at the same place as me, in a different block...NORMALLY they would offer me a lift (i never ask people, only if they offer)but since they didn't mention anything even though we needed to go same time...and seriously it was so super flooded...i walked down to try my luck in getting a taxi...before i even reached d side walk, some cars passed by and my umbrella failed to prevent me from being splashed from top to toe (the rain was super super heavy and the road super super flooded) it was pouring up (rain) and down (cars splashing by)...after 10 minutes of kena basah...i finally got into a taxi, dripping and shivering..and reached the children s' church a few minutes late...as soon as i walked in (still dripping from top to bottom)...the mom (THE Song Leader) said "oh, thank God our pianist arrived safely!!! We had been praying for you, you know!!! Wondering where you were and whether you were in danger...so worried...such heavy rain!!" Whoa! Classic example of *OH MY GOODNESS!!! CAN YOU PUT YOUR PRAYER INTO SOME ACTION ...I was silent but after the ordeal, i fell sick for 3 days...flu la, habis? so wet worh...after the rain, air-cond lagi...

Okay la..this is how some families might treat their sons or daughters punya "ex" i guess...totally predictable version of before and after...

What's it with guys and their fake promises? seriously not stereotyping, is it just me or do 80% of guys always HAVE to hurt girls and enter premature relationships?

K la...let's proceed to my second item and here's where it starts to hurt...really bad...

there's this pack of Secret Guardian Angel letters i cannot being myself to throw away (goodness knows why!@!! Okay...maybe becoz of the painstaking effort i took to TYPE IN CHINESE long long letters to that one person)...and i couldn't stop myself from reading them...

I thought I'd got over that valley of humiliation already...I thought i was big enough to take it...but no, reading them again makes me feel so HORRIBLE!@!@!!!!! HOW COULD I HAVE TYPED SUCH "jijik" stuff!@!!! to a guy!!!! WHO is supposed to be my enemy-turned-friend (at least in my stand)...HOW COULD I!@!!!! In the name of Love in Christ, i turned my infatuation into somewhat of an imaginary relationship...which HE improvised further...and then denied after one night of declaring his feelings...Oh my goodness!!! THEN HE TOLD PEOPLE AROUND HIM and even let HIS MOTHER read my letters by leaving them lying around by mistake!!! okay okay...i want to clarify to those who know me well, the reason I'm bringing this up is not to blame him for anything...the whole purpose of this post is to highlight my stupidity of the past...and how i feel now...

I no longer hate this guy...i mean, seriously...YES, seriously, i really do not hate him anymore...I don't even think about him at all...But i cannot treat him as a good friend like what i promised when i was his secret angel...that was the time we became virtual friends and then face-to-face friends in the process...

Anyways, this little game took me one year plus to fully recover after the hurt...I was traumatized and deeply wounded...those were extremely painful moments in my life...and hard to forget just like that...I mean, maybe for guys yes, their part may be minor and they have "played" with many girls feelings before...this guy had a gf wen he played with me, and was playing with a few other innocent girls on the way...so i was not the only stupid one...*previous phrase is to comfort self...

...To tell the truth, i don't even know whether I've fully recovered from the incident...coz i feel super awkward, insecure and just plain awful when facing him now...no, not angry or any negative feelings...not positive either though...just erm...uncomfortable? I used to hate him but now i realize hating is not a solution...and God has healed me of my hate...completely....

Have i honestly let go? of the hurt, of the humiliation? Am I just too proud? Is this just about my wounded ego? :S...or what? just awkwardness keeping the "back to normal friendship" a step away? He did really try to patch things up but i could not behave politely naturally...WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH ME?!@!@!!!!! Stupid pride!!!!

Okay, 3rd item is my long-forgotten diary which i used to record my "love life" or problems or emo songs...or Sms-es i received from my crushes...(those in form 5)

ARRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhh! Those old sad feelings (sad only, nothing else k?) just came rushing back into my mind...their relationships with THEIR gfs (me looking from afar *stupid hor?)...what happened between us...The misunderstandings, the happy events...how i disguised my infatuation with the classic "GOOD friends" expressions... the sweet memories (which turned out to be pure flirting *I'm such a SAD case!!!!!)

ARRRRRRRgggggggggggggggggggghhhHHHHHHHH!!!

Enough of rumbling on and on...Let's leave this post here and create a new post to avoid this one being a jumbled version of the past, present and future...