I think I will have cried buckets before I reach the end of the post. So I’ll start blogging from the bottom/ end instead. And blog my way up. =.=|||
(WARNING: This is a MAD long post. So only those interested in knowing my boring life will bother to finish reading. )
PART ONE – OVERWHELMED BY CONFLICTING FEELINGS
Yes, history repeats itself. There we are, 3 people, with the same old unsettled problems. Actually am getting sick and tired of all this already. We were, in a camp, to learn how to be good soldiers for Christ in every aspect of our life. To draw closer to God. To learn more about Him and serving Him.
(a) J
My first response upon seeing J was “Wow God! The first person I see before I enter this hall is this person again huh. Great start I must say.”
I didn’t know what to do. How to react. He gave me a poker face. I did what I always do best. I pretended he was not there. =.=|||
Then as I was standing there. Second or Third on queue to go into the hall. There was a wave of anger that came over me. I WILL BE BRUTALLY HONEST HERE. Yes, I know it is wrong, but I’m just recording my actual thoughts and feelings here k. Don’t judge me.
I was suddenly angry, it was like the wound was being picked open again. How many times would I need to initiate friendship with this person here? How many times have I taken a shaking step of faith, and emailed/ facebooked/ done something to initiate peacemaking right? And WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ONLY ONE EVEN TRYING? I am a girl! (Okay, I know being sexist doesn’t really help, I get it!) But then, WHAT sort of response do I get in return? It’s always the same.
I am always, nothing, NOTHING but A MARK OF SHAME. Or a recollection of some formidable memory. Something that one is ashamed to face or admit. WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME THEN? I am worth nothing, but shame. (T_T)
If you ask me the the Thousand Ringgit Question. No, I do not like/ love this person anymore to be very honest. My definition of like/ love is something like what God said to Eve when she was given her punishment for disobeying God.
“Your Desire will be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.”
So when you ask me whether I have fallen in love with a guy, it is when I am conquered enough to submit and totally respect him. Basically I am only capable of allowing guys I love to rule over me la. If not, I’m super bossy in every aspect. =.=|||
Define ruling aa? I define ruling as controlling/ my obeying his wish/ simply plain respect that I belong under him. =.=||| (I think I’m only talking to 龙弟by explaining here.Zzzz)
AIYA, come back to the question. No, I do not like/ love this person anymore. True enough, I still carry marks of being hurt/ wounded. But being hurt by a person, is different from liking/ loving him. I can’t respect or like/ love a guy who cannot stand up to take responsibility for what he has done. For running away, and leaving me to feel humiliated for so long. I mean, whatever admiration I have of his character/ good heart/ talents…can’t cancel out/ excuse the cowardly action!
So… WHAT DO I WANT OR NEED you may ask. =.= I guess, a luke-warm apology would, to be blatantly honest, be of no cure at this level. I mean, come on, he had so many chances to do it if he wanted to anyway…I guess pretending I was not there worked well for him all the time(perhaps for the rest of his life ). WHAT I NEED, is for my dignity to be restored. I don’t know how to explain this, but I guess the greatest thing that was ruined would be my pride and confidence? I don’t know why either. I guess only God can give me an answer?
Basically, I don’t care THAT much anymore. I’m getting really tired and irritated. Perhaps after all the years of crying over nothing, I might have finally accepted the fact that, if we can’t be friends… We just can’t be friends. It’s fine like that. It’s not enemies or anything right? I mean, I don’t need to hate him. Since he doesn’t think me worth of having any association with. It won’t be sincere anyway.
But on the bad side, it’s my own problem that I still feel that I cannot face any member of his family/ church friends that used to know me. (New ones are totally fine though). I feel despised. THEY remind me of the past and present. That I am shunned. That I am something to be shameful of.
AND YES I KNOW THIS IS TOTALLY MY
PROBLEM LAH! IT’S NOT THE FIRST TIME.
(b) X
I know I may seem to be rude/ weird by totally ignoring him. =.=||| I can’t help it. I thought I would be fine. Really. He was the second “surprise” I encountered upon moving inside the hall. Normally there wouldn’t be any emotions/ feelings. I have succeeded in shutting them down when necessary, really. But some internal struggle or conflict I can’t analyze was rising in my heart. It hurt. A little at first. Then more. By the time I sat down(after the singing), I was hot with anger. Zzzzz…(I look down on myself too)
I WAS ANGRY OKAY! Why aa?
Okay look, maybe I had been living in total denial for quite some time okay. All this while, I’ve been telling myself that I’m quite fine really. Telling my dad and my grandparents that I’m fine. They asked me whether we’re keeping in touch. I said, we’re friends, everything is good, don’t worry. And they get relieved. I act like nothing weird took place when we met up last time. At some point of time, I really sincerely believed that things WERE really okay. I was busy with work, so were you. But we could talk, so long as you don’t hop onto sensitive topics I guess.
WHAT AM I ANGRY ABOUT AA? Well, I didn’t know THIS upset me so much until this point. I didn’t knew I cared so much until all these feelings surfaced in the end.
我很介意! 我很介意你竟然讲到我酱CHEAP! Apparently,你说我挑逗你! 我! 是我! WHAT IS THIS! AND WHY WOULD I EVEN WANT TO DO THAT!
Do you even know how dirty it made me feel when I knew, how despicable it makes me out to be, how low down and trodden… and I shall say it! I FELT LIKE I WAS SOME WORTHLESS WHORE!
我很介意, 我真的很介意! !! 我真的很介意! !!
(Okay, I have finally said all of this OUT LOUD, after keeping mum for so long…except to my sisters. And I don’t even know why I’m crying again. =.=||| Zzzzzzzz)
我还有很多东西, 我很介意, 我很受伤, 但是我讲不下去了.
你知道吗, 虽然他们肯定 不知道,但是就是因为这样子, 我没有颜面可以面对你的家人, 没有勇气可以面对跟你很熟的教友! 我觉得自己很恶心, 很丢脸, 很可耻, 很下流! 为什么你可以这样想我!!!我觉得我很cheapskate你知道吗~!!!
(b) X
I know I may seem to be rude/ weird by totally ignoring him. =.=||| I can’t help it. I thought I would be fine. Really. He was the second “surprise” I encountered upon moving inside the hall. Normally there wouldn’t be any emotions/ feelings. I have succeeded in shutting them down when necessary, really. But some internal struggle or conflict I can’t analyze was rising in my heart. It hurt. A little at first. Then more. By the time I sat down(after the singing), I was hot with anger. Zzzzz…(I look down on myself too)
I WAS ANGRY OKAY! Why aa?
Okay look, maybe I had been living in total denial for quite some time okay. All this while, I’ve been telling myself that I’m quite fine really. Telling my dad and my grandparents that I’m fine. They asked me whether we’re keeping in touch. I said, we’re friends, everything is good, don’t worry. And they get relieved. I act like nothing weird took place when we met up last time. At some point of time, I really sincerely believed that things WERE really okay. I was busy with work, so were you. But we could talk, so long as you don’t hop onto sensitive topics I guess.
WHAT AM I ANGRY ABOUT AA? Well, I didn’t know THIS upset me so much until this point. I didn’t knew I cared so much until all these feelings surfaced in the end.
我很介意! 我很介意你竟然讲到我酱CHEAP! Apparently,你说我挑逗你! 我! 是我! WHAT IS THIS! AND WHY WOULD I EVEN WANT TO DO THAT!
Do you even know how dirty it made me feel when I knew, how despicable it makes me out to be, how low down and trodden… and I shall say it! I FELT LIKE I WAS SOME WORTHLESS WHORE!
我很介意, 我真的很介意! !! 我真的很介意! !!
(Okay, I have finally said all of this OUT LOUD, after keeping mum for so long…except to my sisters. And I don’t even know why I’m crying again. =.=||| Zzzzzzzz)
我还有很多东西, 我很介意, 我很受伤, 但是我讲不下去了.
你知道吗, 虽然他们肯定 不知道,但是就是因为这样子, 我没有颜面可以面对你的家人, 没有勇气可以面对跟你很熟的教友! 我觉得自己很恶心, 很丢脸, 很可耻, 很下流! 为什么你可以这样想我!!!我觉得我很cheapskate你知道吗~!!!
我不想的. 其实我真的觉得自己很没有礼貌, 很没有家教, 见到人家/长辈都不能大方地打个招呼. 大家都成年了, 为什么我还这么幼稚. 一单还一单, 何必扯在一起算呢! 但是我就是很介意!!@!@!@!!! 我很没有脸!
(其实说到底, 我觉得我过于重视面子.)
…
再说, RECENTLY YOU'VE BEEN ACTING SO WEIRD! I don't know what to think! I don't know how to react!!!
And so, you can act weird all you like, but I'm EXPECTED to behave like normal. IS IT? As in like, I don't know anything, nothing happened...I can be normal. I can pretend there's NOTHING wrong?
...
I'm sorry. But you've overestimated me by a few tonnes.
再说, RECENTLY YOU'VE BEEN ACTING SO WEIRD! I don't know what to think! I don't know how to react!!!
And so, you can act weird all you like, but I'm EXPECTED to behave like normal. IS IT? As in like, I don't know anything, nothing happened...I can be normal. I can pretend there's NOTHING wrong?
...
I'm sorry. But you've overestimated me by a few tonnes.
...
I CAN'T PRETEND ANY LONGER OKAY!!!
Maybe I'm just tired. Was just tired. Anyway, I can't go on pretending I am okay, forever. I've put on too many shows. I'm really exhausted.
...
回来,回来!
Anyway, I was thinking in my heart, GOD! THE CAMP BELUM START YET! WHY ARE ALL THESE WOUNDS BEING OPENED? I thought time would cure, I thought everything would be fine, if I ACTED as if they were!
Well, God has a reason for allowing these wounds to be opened again. I couldn’t move on before, but after these four days, I am thankful to say, I am trying to face and accept my problems, and stop myself from living in denial.
In this camp, I told God, so it's just You and me. Just You and me I'm facing. I don't need to pretend when I'm with You. I don't need to act, when I'm with You. You already know anyway. And I can finally say, I am free. The truth has set me free! It does not make me happy la, I admit, but at least I’m facing it, instead of running away/ simply pretending the memories have been wiped out.
PART TWO – THE SURRENDERING
When we came to the final “Mind Scanning/ Mind Mapping” session on the camp. We were to draw five/ seven things(People/ Incidents/ Items) that were most important to us, in our personal life.
I proudly drew a much “improved” map compared to the one I drew when I first entered. I was pleased with myself and told God “I hope You’re happy with me too”. I mean, see, how this camp has changed me and my priorities!
I drew cute pictures in an inspired manner and depicted the following all leading to the same cross in the middle captioned “The Lord Almighty”:
1. Big picture of shining cloud with caption:
“When God is bigger than the rest, what will come can only be the best.
The best battle, the best life, the best partner, the best victory”
2.Picture of finger with plaster:
“ Wounds will be fixed and healed by God”
3. Full time ministry and the team/ area I may join/ The people I will minister to in the future...
“Equip myself now”
4. Money/ Future/ Love and Relationships(with the Unknown)
“The God of Providence”
5. My family and “neighbors”
“As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord”
But then, we were instructed to cancel out one of the people/things we put.
It struck me suddenly. That something, that something I had been avoiding since Day one.
CHECK LIST:
- Money, I could do with just enough and I knew God would provide.
- Future, I harbor no great dreams for my future, taking a step with God in front leading me. No problem on that. I guess.
- Love and Relationships(with the Unknown)
Maybe I'm just tired. Was just tired. Anyway, I can't go on pretending I am okay, forever. I've put on too many shows. I'm really exhausted.
...
回来,回来!
Anyway, I was thinking in my heart, GOD! THE CAMP BELUM START YET! WHY ARE ALL THESE WOUNDS BEING OPENED? I thought time would cure, I thought everything would be fine, if I ACTED as if they were!
Well, God has a reason for allowing these wounds to be opened again. I couldn’t move on before, but after these four days, I am thankful to say, I am trying to face and accept my problems, and stop myself from living in denial.
In this camp, I told God, so it's just You and me. Just You and me I'm facing. I don't need to pretend when I'm with You. I don't need to act, when I'm with You. You already know anyway. And I can finally say, I am free. The truth has set me free! It does not make me happy la, I admit, but at least I’m facing it, instead of running away/ simply pretending the memories have been wiped out.
PART TWO – THE SURRENDERING
When we came to the final “Mind Scanning/ Mind Mapping” session on the camp. We were to draw five/ seven things(People/ Incidents/ Items) that were most important to us, in our personal life.
I proudly drew a much “improved” map compared to the one I drew when I first entered. I was pleased with myself and told God “I hope You’re happy with me too”. I mean, see, how this camp has changed me and my priorities!
I drew cute pictures in an inspired manner and depicted the following all leading to the same cross in the middle captioned “The Lord Almighty”:
1. Big picture of shining cloud with caption:
“When God is bigger than the rest, what will come can only be the best.
The best battle, the best life, the best partner, the best victory”
2.Picture of finger with plaster:
“ Wounds will be fixed and healed by God”
3. Full time ministry and the team/ area I may join/ The people I will minister to in the future...
“Equip myself now”
4. Money/ Future/ Love and Relationships(with the Unknown)
“The God of Providence”
5. My family and “neighbors”
“As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord”
But then, we were instructed to cancel out one of the people/things we put.
It struck me suddenly. That something, that something I had been avoiding since Day one.
CHECK LIST:
- Money, I could do with just enough and I knew God would provide.
- Future, I harbor no great dreams for my future, taking a step with God in front leading me. No problem on that. I guess.
- Love and Relationships(with the Unknown)
…
I told God: “Nah, see…the Unknown
marh. Aiya. You will lead me right? No problem la.
BY THE WAY, speaking of the subject, God, you see aa…My two problems aa. How aa? 神, 那祢要我怎么走下去嘛?
BY THE WAY, speaking of the subject, God, you see aa…My two problems aa. How aa? 神, 那祢要我怎么走下去嘛?
…
God’s answer shook me.
God’s answer shook me.
主说, 如果你心里已经有你想听到的答案,那你又为什么来问我呢? (没有诚意要知道神的旨意)
…
…
Then I knew, I couldn’t run. God
knows. We can’t hide anything from him.
原来,我走在神的道路上, 还有私欲, 还有保留, 还不愿意放手…
I still loved him. I still refused to let go. Regardless of all my pretentious ways, regardless of how I pretended to be okay, how I buried all the hurt and pain inside, a part of me still loved him, a part of me still Wanted to be with him. (And yes, the truth shall set me free. As I finally admit and am willing to face it)
那我,到底爱谁多一点呢? 岂不知我被拣选来到世界是有Mission的吗? 我活着是为着自己吗? 我, 是个逃兵吗? 有什么瞒得了创造我的主啊? 我真是太傻了!
It hurt so much, I felt my heart being literally being grasped, twisted, and wrenched apart…the pain and struggle was so great I broke down in the middle of the crowd. =.=|||
But as I cried, and said yes, Lord, take it. Take my life and all, 包括我的感情.
我的心真的有撕裂般的痛, 非常的痛, 但是在我向神决志降服时, 这个痛,很神奇地,不见了. 不是麻木,是真的不见了. 我也终于平静了. 随着这个平静, 我发觉我终于不在意了.
…
原来,我走在神的道路上, 还有私欲, 还有保留, 还不愿意放手…
I still loved him. I still refused to let go. Regardless of all my pretentious ways, regardless of how I pretended to be okay, how I buried all the hurt and pain inside, a part of me still loved him, a part of me still Wanted to be with him. (And yes, the truth shall set me free. As I finally admit and am willing to face it)
那我,到底爱谁多一点呢? 岂不知我被拣选来到世界是有Mission的吗? 我活着是为着自己吗? 我, 是个逃兵吗? 有什么瞒得了创造我的主啊? 我真是太傻了!
It hurt so much, I felt my heart being literally being grasped, twisted, and wrenched apart…the pain and struggle was so great I broke down in the middle of the crowd. =.=|||
But as I cried, and said yes, Lord, take it. Take my life and all, 包括我的感情.
我的心真的有撕裂般的痛, 非常的痛, 但是在我向神决志降服时, 这个痛,很神奇地,不见了. 不是麻木,是真的不见了. 我也终于平静了. 随着这个平静, 我发觉我终于不在意了.
…
纸上的东西一样一样地被逼做出选择, 最后只能剩下一样. 留下最后的人物. 我会选择谁呢? 面对人群, 面对家人. 我停顿了一下. 我不敢提起笔来割掉任何一方.
有声音告诉我:
“不是从前说过愿意让我带领吗? 不是说愿意跟我走吗? 不是说相信我的供应吗?
看你这张纸, 其实看起来你写了很多很好的,但这真是你的心声吗?”
我哭了. 因为很痛. 心里一把声音说: “时日不多, 你家人如果得救了, 不是应该走出去, 把生命和救恩带给外面有需要的人吗?”
有声音告诉我:
“不是从前说过愿意让我带领吗? 不是说愿意跟我走吗? 不是说相信我的供应吗?
看你这张纸, 其实看起来你写了很多很好的,但这真是你的心声吗?”
我哭了. 因为很痛. 心里一把声音说: “时日不多, 你家人如果得救了, 不是应该走出去, 把生命和救恩带给外面有需要的人吗?”
Equip yourself and be ready,
for the time may be anytime.
…
…
Is it after all this, that I have finally, Finally, FINALLY gotten my
priorities right? Not just in theory, but in my head and heart as well. This
few months of discipleship and cellgroup bible study, we’ve been talking about
discipleship.
“Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me;
anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.(
Matthew 10:37)
After all these years, is it only now, that God is put on top of the list in my
heart? :’( I am already 24.)
…
If you are reading this, I guess I must have regarded you as a very close
family member/ friend that truly cares about me. Please pray for me. Please
walk this road with me, at least, in spirit. I do not doubt, but still, I am
scared. I need support. I do not know what lies in front, but I still trust,
and always will trust that
“And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)
PART THREE – GETTING TO KNOW MYSELF
In the bus(Why a bus again), but yes, it’s in a bus that I will normally get some quiet time(amidst the noise) to pause and reflect.
I started wondering why. Why was it that I would get Bing mixed up in all this messy business. Why there was always a cycle of me trying to chop every branch that would come to join the great tangle and mess of my life. But why I always failed. I think I must have made no less than 5 attempts to break off every weird complicated business I have with Ah Bing by this date. But I have failed, every time.
Then I realized.
And it was this realization that brought me to a fresh flood of violent yet silent tears in the bus. And caused Pamela such great alarm. She rummaged amongst her belongings in her big bag and gave me a pack of tissue.
Why was it, though I did not love him, yet I allowed things to happen between me and Bing?
There was a reason. And I despise myself greatly for this.
I still loved X. Bing knew it. I didn’t know quite so well myself until now.
PART FOUR – ALL ABOUT HIM
I loved X. But I had always felt insecure around with him. Knowing that someone needed me, the way I always yearned for X to do, gave me comfort. When he faced problems, X would always cut me off from his life until he had solved it. I used to feel excluded, helpless, useless and stupid. When he was busy, he wouldn’t need me to help him…I couldn’t help him anyway, because I’m comparatively stupid beside him, less knowledgeable and more of a burden than some sort of help. I am not smart, I am not talented, I am not very domestic…To be honest, a lot of times, I felt like shit.
So there, you have it, I was not needed when he had problems, not needed when he was busy(which is 99% if the time), and basically “ I need him every minute but he wouldn’t really need me at all, or at any point of his life(Or maybe only when he’s bored la, or really really very free, *sampai nothing better to do to be fair)” would be what sums up the relationship we had, at least, from my point of view.
I felt downtrodden, stupid, and small next to the person I respected, admired and adored with every core or fiber of my heart.
Knowing that Bing found me to be attractive, adorable, plus loved me, respected me and I would always be precious in his eyes( no matter what I did), gave me back the confidence I had lost through X.
Bing valued the little talents I have. He would do the craziest things and go the furthest miles for me. He would drive me to hospitals/ clinics, doctors every single time I was sick, be there 24/7 for me especially during the time of the greatest food poisoning of my life(When I sincerely thought I was leaving the world forever)…
He would go on diets for me, go on trips for me, fetch me to work on rainy days, carry my bags for me… Plan surprises for me…Buy all sorts of silly random stuff for me…Know every tiny detail about me. Try to understand me. Try to stand in my shoes. Be there for me when I was upset, angry, or even just in a silly mood…He even went to Disciple class and Alpha Class to "upgrade his spiritual life" because I told him he lacked in that.
These were not my expectations, and he knew I didn’t love him, DESPITE all he did. Though I tried, I just couldn’t. I couldn’t adore him, respect him, or submit to him at all! AT ALL! But I was touched, because in a way, he cared for me, and I could tell he really loved me and wanted to be with me, in a way I always wished X would. I guess I was trying to fit Bing into the dream I selfishly built for myself and X once upon a time.
Okay, okay, I’m not saying X is bad. I AM NOT SPOILING HIS MARKET. Maybe I’M the problem alright? Maybe I’m always, have always been THE problem.
X is in fact, one of the best guys I have ever met. And one, (fine, the ONLY ONE, at least for now) that I was proud to be together with. To be associated with. Sadly, through all the fake and wonderful promises, to hold on forever, not give up easily and etc(I guess at some point of time, girls should just give up on believing stuff said during on the spur of the moment sweet talks) …Alas, all we were really best at, was mostly hurting one another.
From his point of view, he changed a lot and sacrificed a lot for me. But then, so was my point of view. That I had changed a lot, given a lot and sacrificed much too (Though he said I didn’t change At All from his point of view). I guess none of us were to blame. Who am I to say anything right. We were just two such opposite personalities. We had such different expectations and hopes for one another. And then, I guess, I myself failed everyone single one of the expectations he might have set. Which is why, I was deemed a failure, or maybe I had already resigned myself to be a failure few months within the relationship. I guess we were great friends, but plain terrible at being a couple.
I mean, we used to share everything and anything under the sun as good friends. Felt so comfortable with one another whatever we did. Yet, things and feelings changed when we got together as a boy and girl embarking on a new adventure. Why were there so many new secrets? Shutting down of certain areas in our lives? Some new walls built? Why couldn’t I understand you anymore? Why would I behave so stupidly and irrationally at intervals?(Was it just plain insecurity/ attention seeking/ worrying or doubt about us?) Where was the boy/ guy/ man/ friend I used to get along so easily with? (T_T) I don’t get it. We hurt each other so much. I guess the tears we shed were more than the laughter we shared.
We were great a being friends, but really lousy in a relationship. It was not just a less than perfect match. I would say, there was no match. :’(
I SIDETRACKED TOO MUCH. K, let’s go back to the topic…
So knowing all this…having born all this in mind…The bus reached PJ after a 4 hours plus trip.
Even in JJ Café(church, and also CL’s home), I had already started tearing. Coz I knew what I had to do, once I got home…
PART FIVE – THE BREAKING OF THE NEWS
Jerome and Bing refused to let me pass the night without having dinner. Bing offered to tapao for me. But I knew better than to let him inside my doors again. I had the worst horrible sinking feeling when he called me and I had to go down to his car.
I was already crying when I reached the car.
He opened the door and I got in.
“Bing I have something to say to you. “(Pause and cries)
“Yes?”
“ I don’t know how to start. I’m so sorry, I’m just so sorry…”(Breaks down in tears)
(Long pause)
“You know actually, don’t you?”
(Silence)
“You knew it all along but you just refused to give up didn’t you?”
(Silence)
“I knew it the minute Jerome told me you were feeling emo and didn’t feel like going out to eat a proper meal tonight. It wouldn’t be just because you were tired. Though I know you are. And it’s not the first time you’re telling me this.”
(Cries) “You know I can’t be with you, but you wouldn’t accept it didn’t you?” (*Breaks down)
“Please don’t cry…please don’t.” (*tries to put an arm around me)
(*pushes him away…) I’m so sorry. I’m just so sorry to do this to you. So sorry for wasting your time. For breaking your heart. I didn’t mean to do it. I wouldn’t want anything like this to happen. I’m so sorry.”
“Just, don’t say anything…I know. It’s okay, please don’t cry like this.”
(*continues to sob uncontrollably)
…
We went to fetch Jerome and I was still crying like a pig but silently when Jerome got into the car. Being Jerome, he was wise and always asked nothing.
When we got to the 鱼乡园restaurant (the only one I can eat food from, when I’m sick, tired, or have no appetite), I forced myself to order with Jerome(mainly to avoid gastric pain) but Bing excused himself and went out.
There was no news from him for 10 minutes…
I went out to look for him…
Couldn’t find him the first time I went out. There was nobody inside his car. Nobody within walking distance. I was really worried and panic-stricken. Had no choice but to go in and wait.
The second attempt led me to his car. With him crying silently inside. I didn’t know what to do. (T_T) Here was a good, innocent person, hurt, wounded and disappointed because of me. Because of my selfishness…because of my irresponsibility…
I prayed together with him, but I knew part of him just wanted me to leave him alone at this point. Yet, I couldn’t bring myself to leave him before praying. The least I could do after wrecking him (T_T) would be to submit him into God’s hands. Oh what a wretch I am! :’(
After praying hard and crying together again, I left him to finish my food inside. He refused to be persuaded to eat. And I understand that.
So I went inside.
PART SIX– THE UNKNOWN ENDING
I don’t know how Jerome must be feeling by this time. Coz he finished his food really fast. And had nothing else to do. (Aside from watching and wondering)On one end, Ah Bing had gone missing, on the other end, after I too, went missing for another 15 minutes, here I was, back again, in front of him, dropping tears rapidly into my porridge, just like I used to when I was four years old. And there was no one to explain things to him.
Anyway, when I had somewhat did my best attempt to finish what I could swallow of my food, we went to the car to discover Bing was missing. Jerome just opened the car door calmly (It was unlocked!) and told me he would fetch me home first. Said he got a text from Ah Bing saying he was not in a good mood and needed time to walk around alone.
I called him, but he didn’t answer (Of course he wouldn’t after all this turmoil).
And as we turned around two corners, we saw someone running like a mad man away to the other side of the road. (T_T) I asked Jerome whether that would be Ah Bing, he said it looks like it. And that’s when I realized that I had broken another innocent person’s heart into two.
Oh God, what a tangled web we weave, when we first aim to deceive! (T_T) In this case, the only person deceived is, me. I tried to cheat my own feelings.
Update:
He just posted this on Fb:
“God, i truly know your promises to us, but the things that you want me to handle and go through....do you know how my heart is broken, how great my pain is, how weak I am, how useless I am , how i feel I want to die..”
…
“And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)
PART THREE – GETTING TO KNOW MYSELF
In the bus(Why a bus again), but yes, it’s in a bus that I will normally get some quiet time(amidst the noise) to pause and reflect.
I started wondering why. Why was it that I would get Bing mixed up in all this messy business. Why there was always a cycle of me trying to chop every branch that would come to join the great tangle and mess of my life. But why I always failed. I think I must have made no less than 5 attempts to break off every weird complicated business I have with Ah Bing by this date. But I have failed, every time.
Then I realized.
And it was this realization that brought me to a fresh flood of violent yet silent tears in the bus. And caused Pamela such great alarm. She rummaged amongst her belongings in her big bag and gave me a pack of tissue.
Why was it, though I did not love him, yet I allowed things to happen between me and Bing?
There was a reason. And I despise myself greatly for this.
I still loved X. Bing knew it. I didn’t know quite so well myself until now.
PART FOUR – ALL ABOUT HIM
I loved X. But I had always felt insecure around with him. Knowing that someone needed me, the way I always yearned for X to do, gave me comfort. When he faced problems, X would always cut me off from his life until he had solved it. I used to feel excluded, helpless, useless and stupid. When he was busy, he wouldn’t need me to help him…I couldn’t help him anyway, because I’m comparatively stupid beside him, less knowledgeable and more of a burden than some sort of help. I am not smart, I am not talented, I am not very domestic…To be honest, a lot of times, I felt like shit.
So there, you have it, I was not needed when he had problems, not needed when he was busy(which is 99% if the time), and basically “ I need him every minute but he wouldn’t really need me at all, or at any point of his life(Or maybe only when he’s bored la, or really really very free, *sampai nothing better to do to be fair)” would be what sums up the relationship we had, at least, from my point of view.
I felt downtrodden, stupid, and small next to the person I respected, admired and adored with every core or fiber of my heart.
Knowing that Bing found me to be attractive, adorable, plus loved me, respected me and I would always be precious in his eyes( no matter what I did), gave me back the confidence I had lost through X.
Bing valued the little talents I have. He would do the craziest things and go the furthest miles for me. He would drive me to hospitals/ clinics, doctors every single time I was sick, be there 24/7 for me especially during the time of the greatest food poisoning of my life(When I sincerely thought I was leaving the world forever)…
He would go on diets for me, go on trips for me, fetch me to work on rainy days, carry my bags for me… Plan surprises for me…Buy all sorts of silly random stuff for me…Know every tiny detail about me. Try to understand me. Try to stand in my shoes. Be there for me when I was upset, angry, or even just in a silly mood…He even went to Disciple class and Alpha Class to "upgrade his spiritual life" because I told him he lacked in that.
These were not my expectations, and he knew I didn’t love him, DESPITE all he did. Though I tried, I just couldn’t. I couldn’t adore him, respect him, or submit to him at all! AT ALL! But I was touched, because in a way, he cared for me, and I could tell he really loved me and wanted to be with me, in a way I always wished X would. I guess I was trying to fit Bing into the dream I selfishly built for myself and X once upon a time.
Okay, okay, I’m not saying X is bad. I AM NOT SPOILING HIS MARKET. Maybe I’M the problem alright? Maybe I’m always, have always been THE problem.
X is in fact, one of the best guys I have ever met. And one, (fine, the ONLY ONE, at least for now) that I was proud to be together with. To be associated with. Sadly, through all the fake and wonderful promises, to hold on forever, not give up easily and etc(I guess at some point of time, girls should just give up on believing stuff said during on the spur of the moment sweet talks) …Alas, all we were really best at, was mostly hurting one another.
From his point of view, he changed a lot and sacrificed a lot for me. But then, so was my point of view. That I had changed a lot, given a lot and sacrificed much too (Though he said I didn’t change At All from his point of view). I guess none of us were to blame. Who am I to say anything right. We were just two such opposite personalities. We had such different expectations and hopes for one another. And then, I guess, I myself failed everyone single one of the expectations he might have set. Which is why, I was deemed a failure, or maybe I had already resigned myself to be a failure few months within the relationship. I guess we were great friends, but plain terrible at being a couple.
I mean, we used to share everything and anything under the sun as good friends. Felt so comfortable with one another whatever we did. Yet, things and feelings changed when we got together as a boy and girl embarking on a new adventure. Why were there so many new secrets? Shutting down of certain areas in our lives? Some new walls built? Why couldn’t I understand you anymore? Why would I behave so stupidly and irrationally at intervals?(Was it just plain insecurity/ attention seeking/ worrying or doubt about us?) Where was the boy/ guy/ man/ friend I used to get along so easily with? (T_T) I don’t get it. We hurt each other so much. I guess the tears we shed were more than the laughter we shared.
We were great a being friends, but really lousy in a relationship. It was not just a less than perfect match. I would say, there was no match. :’(
I SIDETRACKED TOO MUCH. K, let’s go back to the topic…
So knowing all this…having born all this in mind…The bus reached PJ after a 4 hours plus trip.
Even in JJ Café(church, and also CL’s home), I had already started tearing. Coz I knew what I had to do, once I got home…
PART FIVE – THE BREAKING OF THE NEWS
Jerome and Bing refused to let me pass the night without having dinner. Bing offered to tapao for me. But I knew better than to let him inside my doors again. I had the worst horrible sinking feeling when he called me and I had to go down to his car.
I was already crying when I reached the car.
He opened the door and I got in.
“Bing I have something to say to you. “(Pause and cries)
“Yes?”
“ I don’t know how to start. I’m so sorry, I’m just so sorry…”(Breaks down in tears)
(Long pause)
“You know actually, don’t you?”
(Silence)
“You knew it all along but you just refused to give up didn’t you?”
(Silence)
“I knew it the minute Jerome told me you were feeling emo and didn’t feel like going out to eat a proper meal tonight. It wouldn’t be just because you were tired. Though I know you are. And it’s not the first time you’re telling me this.”
(Cries) “You know I can’t be with you, but you wouldn’t accept it didn’t you?” (*Breaks down)
“Please don’t cry…please don’t.” (*tries to put an arm around me)
(*pushes him away…) I’m so sorry. I’m just so sorry to do this to you. So sorry for wasting your time. For breaking your heart. I didn’t mean to do it. I wouldn’t want anything like this to happen. I’m so sorry.”
“Just, don’t say anything…I know. It’s okay, please don’t cry like this.”
(*continues to sob uncontrollably)
…
We went to fetch Jerome and I was still crying like a pig but silently when Jerome got into the car. Being Jerome, he was wise and always asked nothing.
When we got to the 鱼乡园restaurant (the only one I can eat food from, when I’m sick, tired, or have no appetite), I forced myself to order with Jerome(mainly to avoid gastric pain) but Bing excused himself and went out.
There was no news from him for 10 minutes…
I went out to look for him…
Couldn’t find him the first time I went out. There was nobody inside his car. Nobody within walking distance. I was really worried and panic-stricken. Had no choice but to go in and wait.
The second attempt led me to his car. With him crying silently inside. I didn’t know what to do. (T_T) Here was a good, innocent person, hurt, wounded and disappointed because of me. Because of my selfishness…because of my irresponsibility…
I prayed together with him, but I knew part of him just wanted me to leave him alone at this point. Yet, I couldn’t bring myself to leave him before praying. The least I could do after wrecking him (T_T) would be to submit him into God’s hands. Oh what a wretch I am! :’(
After praying hard and crying together again, I left him to finish my food inside. He refused to be persuaded to eat. And I understand that.
So I went inside.
PART SIX– THE UNKNOWN ENDING
I don’t know how Jerome must be feeling by this time. Coz he finished his food really fast. And had nothing else to do. (Aside from watching and wondering)On one end, Ah Bing had gone missing, on the other end, after I too, went missing for another 15 minutes, here I was, back again, in front of him, dropping tears rapidly into my porridge, just like I used to when I was four years old. And there was no one to explain things to him.
Anyway, when I had somewhat did my best attempt to finish what I could swallow of my food, we went to the car to discover Bing was missing. Jerome just opened the car door calmly (It was unlocked!) and told me he would fetch me home first. Said he got a text from Ah Bing saying he was not in a good mood and needed time to walk around alone.
I called him, but he didn’t answer (Of course he wouldn’t after all this turmoil).
And as we turned around two corners, we saw someone running like a mad man away to the other side of the road. (T_T) I asked Jerome whether that would be Ah Bing, he said it looks like it. And that’s when I realized that I had broken another innocent person’s heart into two.
Oh God, what a tangled web we weave, when we first aim to deceive! (T_T) In this case, the only person deceived is, me. I tried to cheat my own feelings.
Update:
He just posted this on Fb:
“God, i truly know your promises to us, but the things that you want me to handle and go through....do you know how my heart is broken, how great my pain is, how weak I am, how useless I am , how i feel I want to die..”
…
…
Oh God, is there really no end to tears shed tonight? (T_T)
How will I sleep?
...
It is morning now. Late morning in fact. Actually I woke up at 8am plus out of sheer habit. My eyes are mad swollen. Head hurts. I think I slept at around 3am plus.
Bing called me several times and texted me to ask whether I had awakened. I told him I was tired.
He bought me some buns from the bakery and passed them to me just now. Through my gate. I returned to my room. And he texted me, asking whether he could drop by a while.
I replied him, that I'm sorry, but he knows we have to end this cycle right? (T_T)
I knew I had to do this. Bing, I'm sorry for hurting you so much. The only wrong thing you did was you fell for the wrong girl. And you refused to give up at all. But it's got to stop. :'(
Oh God, is there really no end to tears shed tonight? (T_T)
How will I sleep?
...
It is morning now. Late morning in fact. Actually I woke up at 8am plus out of sheer habit. My eyes are mad swollen. Head hurts. I think I slept at around 3am plus.
Bing called me several times and texted me to ask whether I had awakened. I told him I was tired.
He bought me some buns from the bakery and passed them to me just now. Through my gate. I returned to my room. And he texted me, asking whether he could drop by a while.
I replied him, that I'm sorry, but he knows we have to end this cycle right? (T_T)
I knew I had to do this. Bing, I'm sorry for hurting you so much. The only wrong thing you did was you fell for the wrong girl. And you refused to give up at all. But it's got to stop. :'(
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