........................................................................................
Prologue
It's not been an easy
post. I think I went through a lot for the past few days. And I can finally
summon up the courage to finish this post.
I'm done when I'm done.
The Siblings
Finally got to speak to
the one person whom I somehow knew could get me out of this cycle.
My elder sister, G. But
before we skip to the main topic of discussion, here's a summary(a really short
one at that) of our relationships as three different girls with three different
personalities, all living under the same roof.
It's funny how we used to bicker and fight over so many tiny things since we were young. Yet, as mummy predicted, when we grew up, all the tiny petty matters don't seem to matter that much anymore. What matters is, we went through certain parts of ups and downs in life together, and grew up together, knowing that our love never changed.
I guess mum's love
brought us together and this part of it will never change. Even as we grow old.
I remember how she used
to ask us whether we loved each other after we had fought with each other/
managed to get each other into trouble.
"D, do you love
G?"
and
"G, do you love
D?"
...
Well, yes, mummy was
always right. At least most of the time. Despite hating each other, being
jealous and spending most of our childhood arguing/ quarreling over trifle
matters. When I grew up and we led separate lives, I did realise,
that it's not the ugly parts that matter anymore. We were just different people
that managed to survive years of living together and that made us stronger and
better people. Like the Lock and Key theory under G's science theory somewhere
at the bottom half of this long story.
When I tell people about
my sisters, I'm glad that I can be proud enough to say, I have indeed,
wonderful sisters. And I would never trade them with anyone else in the world.
My eldest sister was
intelligent, talented, rational, patient, sweet-tempered, responsible and
always generous to share and care, no matter how busy she was. She was always
there for me when I needed help, be it, to hide a secret, for BGR advice (trust
me, I went through many phases), when I was feeling down, confused or for my
studies/serving/work.
I mean, words fail me at
this point, when I want to sing of her praises. But what's important is not the
record here, but the place she has built in my heart, as we grow older, and a
little wiser.
My little sister made me
understand what it was to fall in love with someone, something sweet, innocent
and new. She was my first love(for children =.=|||), a gift of love to
the family. Someone who helped eagerly, whenever you asked her to, as is,
within her ability. Someone adorable, cute and you just couldn't stop
loving her. From the moment I laid my eyes on her when daddy and mummy brought
her back from the hospital...she was this something so small, so vulnerable, so
sweet...and she was ours to protect and to love, forever. What's so easy to
love about M? She was also one who never let the sun go down upon her anger, no
matter what happens. She's creative, humorous, unique, and simply lovable
in her own way.
The power of words left
me...because there are some things/ some feelings in our heart that can yet be
described by any appropriate words on earth.
...
You see, I may not be
the most easy person to live together with, in our family. Thanks to my love
for holding grudges, scheming, pet peeves for hygiene, order, and a reputation
of being impatient, irritable, demanding, and sometimes selfish. In fact, most
of the arguments/ quarrels were mostly started by me.
I can only say, thank you for putting up with me throughout the years.
...
The Sister Talk
So back to the topic.
The reason why I was desperate to talk to G is because I have spoken to a CROWD
of people on ways to address this problem, and I just CANNOT move on! This is
really horrible and traumatizing!
As one of my good
friends spoke to me privately during a class reunion, it's almost been TWO
YEARS. yes, two years of my youth. It's just wayyy too long. WHAT'S WRONG
WITH ME?
So yea...The G therapy
started. It was short, straight to the point, but BOY WAS IT EYE-OPENING! I
realised, I had never really gotten to the root of the whole problem until last
Friday!
I think this is
something worth being upset about. (T_T)
Actually, G, you would
do great in the field of coaching. Really. G for Guru here. =.=|||
So let's pretend by the following questionnaire that I am talking to a
self-assessing software in a computer.
(Note: I will NOT be mean, just brutally honest with myself. )
The Brutally Honest
Questionnaire
Question 1: Why can't
you let go of X? What's so attractive about him anyway?
Well, I can't let go.
Let me see...the reason may be that
1. I am mad.
2. I AM obviously mad.
3. I need professional
help.
=.=|||
It CANNOT be because of
all the good memories we had. Coz there were so few, I think I had a hard time
holding onto them, even. The official time we spent together as a couple could
be counted with the fingers of one hand.
K fine, let's jot down
things in a very neutral and detailed breakdown to solve this problem once in
for all.
1. He's a guy who loves
God, helped me love God better and...
2. He's really smart,
talented, creative...
3. Responsible...
(Okay, on second
thoughts, because this is supposed to be a totally honest Q&A session.
I hereby minus marks on this point number 3 which states
"Responsible" as a virtue. Don't ask why la. I know can liao. To be
fair, the being responsible extends to only certain aspects in life. )
4. Can be sweet. Only
words literally speak louder than actions.
5. I also don't know
why. There's something wrong with me??? I hate myself! Likewise, I don't even
know WHY someone would even consider falling for me! Seeing
that I am a burden, not-intelligent, partially stupid and not-talented either. THEY must be mad too!
...
Like that is draw liao.
...
LET'S MOVE ON. So my
coach invited me to be practical, like herself...
Here's Question 2:
Imagine you married him today. Do you think you can survive living with this
type of person for 20 years? Or more? Does he feel like family to you?
·
No, no, and surprisingly
yes. Let me answer the yes part for you First then.
Erm...Simply because he is dependable and I can always count on him, somehow.
Erm...Simply because he is dependable and I can always count on him, somehow.
(Note to self: So now you see D, that this is the way you say
you'd "grow up"? Way to go for improvement Girl, way to go. Talk
about being independant and this is what you're looking for in family?
=.=||| And now I am ashamed of myself.)
LET'S GET BACK TO THE
"NO"s.
I am not a very nice
person to begin with. So who I am to judge right? I am petty, calculative(in
certain aspects to a certain extent) and irritable. And I hold grudges.
=__________________+
At least you're kind
to people.
Answer: Everybody is
kind please. I'm more irritable, I guess you, of all people, should
know. I'm easily annoyed, fussy and peevish.
That's true. Sigh.
Answer: I know myself. Just that I'm living in denial only marh.
Do you think someone
who doesn't speak your love language well would be able to spend decades and
decades with you?
I think he could, if he
tried; and I could, if I tried.
So far, he's the only
one that doesn't spoil or over pamper me. =.=||| and I don't feel too angry
about it.
But yea,we do speak different languages. I'd have to admit this.
And he doesn't approve
of mine, vice versa.
Okay, talking of all
this makes me want to cry again. (T________T)
It doesn't matter if
you speak different languages. But it matters if you try to speak each other's
language or not.
He said he tried, and he changed. And I also tried, but none of us could see each other's changes.
My language is
different from J, but we try to speak each other's. And we approve of the ways
we are different.
He just never has any
time for me. I don't even know why he likes me also. We're just too different.
Yea see...if he loved
you, he would have made time for you!
Yea last time in my last
work place, everyone said the same. They said someone who cared about me more
would make time for me.
Even at my current work
place, my colleague said from a man's perspective, of his relationship with his
wife last time. If a man thinks you are worth his time, he will set aside time
for you. Which was why despite being a dreadfully busy banker who works
until near midnight during weekdays, he took a bus from KL to Penang every
weekend to be with his then, girlfriend back then. =.=||| A bit too much but
yea.
We hadn't even passed
through the first year mark, in which things were supposed to go with much
passion and fury of young love. I had already started to feel
the negligence of a wife who had been married for 20 years? I
started to doubt whether I would survive in a relationship like this. But I
held on. Despite being rebuked for being a fool to hold on to nothing...every
day, I listened to people, particularly my then boss, and colleagues
closest with me, laughing at us. They went as far as to say humiliating things.
But I was stupid, because I refused to give up, despite knowing I could never
take this for long.
I cried every day but
there was no point telling these stupid things to X. He was too busy to care,
and he wouldn't understand anyway.
I guess the last straw
that broke the camels' back after the negative things I heard every day was
when my colleague who was having a long-distance relationship (Malaysia and
Australia) met up and kept in touch more often than us. Despite the time zone
differences and everything. They kept in touch more often than we did.
We were indeed, having a
long-distance relationship. Phone calls, texts were expensive...I no longer
believed in emails or MSN conversations which were, scarce too. I used to
wonder what our relationship survived on. Was it promises alone? And how far
did I believe in words?
I guess we just worked
differently. While I was having all these uncertainties in my mind, I
thought of the promise in the car. How you told me when you held my hand, that
you wouldn't let go, or give up easily.
I don't even know why I
would be naive enough to believe that in the first place. It's not the first
time I've heard such words after all. Why would I even believe this would be
different this time? Just because I never learn and have always been a hopeless
romantic?
As I was puzzling over
the time commitment issue, and whether I could live up to this type of
communication. Apparently I was being jealous of God for taking up all of X's
time. And I was not being understanding. I was selfish and all-consuming,
perhaps?
I had always felt lucky and blessed to have him. But I guess he never felt the same way. He didn't need me at all in any aspect of his life. Although perhaps when it comes to the next stage of a woman, which is childbirth. =.=||| Even that is something we didn't really agree on. I mean, don't get me wrong, I DO want to have kids. But I don't want to be taken for granted that I should have them just because I'm a woman. I want to be a mother, but I also want to be loved and appreciated.
I had always felt lucky and blessed to have him. But I guess he never felt the same way. He didn't need me at all in any aspect of his life. Although perhaps when it comes to the next stage of a woman, which is childbirth. =.=||| Even that is something we didn't really agree on. I mean, don't get me wrong, I DO want to have kids. But I don't want to be taken for granted that I should have them just because I'm a woman. I want to be a mother, but I also want to be loved and appreciated.
The more doubts I had,
the more insecure I became; the more insecure I became, the more silly FITS or
problems I created. and thus, we drifted further and further away.
Ms Louise told me once,
that she wished I would have told her before we started everything. Because the
guy she knew, unless he had changed much, was not ready for a relationship. He
was not ready to commit, wouldn't know how to manage...She felt sorry, but
maybe God wanted us to learn something out of all this.
I was not ready too.
Me and J were
different too. But it's about loving each other despite the differences.
Well, at least you two
had things in common to share.
Not just that. Someone
who cared about you and KNEW time mattered so much to you, would have made time
EVEN MORE.
What did I have in
common with J? All our "common" things were generated AFTER we
got together. We made common interests FOR each other.
Oh (O.o) does that work that way? Making things work out...and matching the differences?
Words of Wisdom
Translated Into Science
Yes, you know the
enzyme mechanism? Remember your science?
One substrate to one enzyme right? For example enzyme amilase dissolves "kanji" in your saliva.
You know how people THINK it works? That the enzyme has a structure that is like a lock. And the substrate is the key that fits exactly into the lock.
That's the simplified version we learned in Form 3.
One substrate to one enzyme right? For example enzyme amilase dissolves "kanji" in your saliva.
You know how people THINK it works? That the enzyme has a structure that is like a lock. And the substrate is the key that fits exactly into the lock.
That's the simplified version we learned in Form 3.
Yes I remember.
But higher up the form we learned that it is actually induced-fit mechanism.
But higher up the form we learned that it is actually induced-fit mechanism.
They don't fit nicely. But when the substrate
comes in, both the substrate and the enzyme bend a bit so that they go in
nicely together.
(O.o)
(O.o)
Have you heard of the quote? When two people are together, it's not two people putting in 100% each, making 200% , but it's 50% + 50% making 100%. You have to LET GO of 50% of yourself.
(O.o) That's what the graphics about the chunks of stuff being bent in the next pic meant.
(And also why you have to have great patience to teach science to a noob of a sis who's in the science stream but only memorizes without enjoying concepts and such.)
The problem is he
refuses to adapt to you. How about you? Do you know his love language?
Actually it's quite my
fault too. He closes himself up. I don't know what his love language is at all!
When he has problems, he shuts me out; when he is busy, he closes up too. Or he
tells me but doesn't expect any answer. And at the end of the day, after
praying together, he doesn't feel better or anything, but just shuts down and
goes away. HOW THE FOOT AM I SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND A PERSON LIKE THAT?
And I thought
relationships were all about sharing...Maybe I was always a burden. Not someone
to rely on. I needed him, but he never did need me.
But you were friends
for so long. Even as a friend, you couldn't tell what his love language
was?
To be honest, no.
*CENSORED CONTENT~
(a.k.a. private discussion with no conclusion)
I speak my love language
with: Presents, Time, Words of Appreciation and Touch.
But I want to be spoken
to with: Time and Words of Appreciation.
What does he speak to
you with? The language that he speaks to you with most, is probably what he
wants you to give him the most.
...
...
...
So we concluded with
Acts of Services. And at the end of everything, we don't even know whether
that's true.
...
SO, the saddest
part and greatest information I have gained out of this self-reflection is:
(A) Perhaps, as G said,
I should no longer subject myself to more years of doubt and torture under the
X issue. But perhaps move on, and accept the fact that I haven't met the right
one, just yet.
(B) I think I just
wasted two years of my youth over someone I realized I didn't know. At all.
(C) I still don't know
what made me fall head-over-heels in love when I was blinded to even what
person I was dating.
(D) I am indeed, mad, in
some ways.
Why The Plant Died
Because I talk in illustrations and pictures. Let's hereby assume that our heart is a bed of earth. And we make places for parts and priorities in our lives(in the form of plants) to grow. Well, please DO NOT drag an innocent plant into your life, and expect it to squeeze in the middle of a tiny place already overcrowded with plants. It will choke to death. And apparently you expect the plant to survive on it's own in this chaos.
It SHOULD feel AND
believe that it is an important plant, because you CHOSE to drag it into this
bed of earth right? I mean, this centralized bed of earth is in fact,
a place of honor. So it WOULD be able to survive because the earth is naturally
good, it doesn't need your watering, fertilizing, or even for you to supply
some air to it, so as to speak...No, it doesn't need any room to grow, it
should be strong enough to push its' way through somehow or other.
And now we wonder why the plant died? Why it always felt overwhelmed, unimportant, and
has practically no place to stand on this bed of earth? Why it felt
insignificant...why it felt insecure?
And oh, wait. Now it's
gone. (Good for it by the way) So there's this tiny vacant place enough for a
weed to stand And you feel "empty" somehow coz there's a tiny little
space SOMETIMES. Because SOMETIMES you feel lonely as well. But I just want to
tell you that NO plant can live in that small a place and get choked up by
bigger plants. GET IT? Perhaps you could simply shift all the other plants
around and they would get more space to grow, PLUS fill up that teeny tiny
place that is empty. That way, I guess everyone would be happy.
Anyway, the next
guy who comes after me, don't bother wasting my time, if I''m not worth any of
yours. Well, excuse me, but I have some youth to catch up with.
...
*Erm, I intitally meant
to end this post on this particular somewhat rude and off-handed note. But
then, it just didn't feel right. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...And I can't ignore this bad
feeling...so I shall continue here:
You're a Good Girl and
You Deserve To Be Happy
I get this a lot from people around me. Be it those who hurt me before, my friends, church-mates or my family members...
But deep down inside, I
have asked myself many many times.
"Am I really a good
person? Do I deserve to be loved by someone who can really make me happy?"
As I have named quite a
number of my faults somewhere near the beginning of this long post, I reckon I
need not elaborate further on this point.
Coz...
Even if I meet the right
person, I am not worthy of his love. And because I am a horrible woman, I might
just ruin this other person because of who I am, and what I will do.
So...
I Kissed Dating Good Bye
At least for now. For a
year.
This time, I'm serious.
I think I read this book
much too early. But now it's finally useful. Thanks to CL for sharing with me
again.
"By Letting Go of
Everything, it is by this way alone, that I can receive Anything from
God."
You know, I had been
struggling so much. And wondering whether I should/ could be able to commit to
such a promise. I wished I'd started earlier, but better late than never right?
I wondered whether I
could survive through a year of commitment to God. I pledge to remain single
and unshaken for a year, no matter what the future might bring. One year of
sole dating with God, one year of self-searching and improvement, one year of
learning to be more aware of others around me, to grow spiritually, mentally
and physically...
This means, no flirting,
no involvement of any weird relationship with the opposite sex, no secret plans
or fantasizing =.=||| and living a Purpose Driven Life by God alone.
It was an uphill battle,
just making this decision. One Year might seem like crumbs to some of you out
there. But I lived a dream, I had a dream of getting married by the age of
26-28, and having kids before I reached 30. WHY THE RUSH, you might ask? Well,
due to hormone imbalance and whatnot, my biology teacher reckons a woman's eggs
are numbered and erm...to put it crudely, I might need to give birth
early(should I wish to), and give my body some time to adjust back before it
reaches a slightly earlier menopause stage than most women.
As you know, my clock is
ticking. And I'll be 25 next year...The stubborn part of me is calculating the
time it takes for any relationship to work...bla bla bla...
Oh well, at the end of
the day, it's not my plan after all. Again, let me remind myself.
Who am I living for? Is it myself? Am I even made for myself? Will not
even one year be too little, compared to the years He has given me? HIS plans
should matter the most and they will prevail. My children...my
womb...whatever(=.=|||), is all in His plans.
Found this online from
C.S. Lewis:
"God doesn't use
our singleness to punish us. He has created this season as an unparalleled
opportunity for undistracted devotion to God. And as a time for growth and service
that we shouldn't take for granted or allow to slip by.
But God wants us to
appreciate the gifts of the present season of our lives. He wants to learn the
patience and trust necessary to wait for His perfect timing in all things,
including our love lives. "
...
I loved once, I may have
loved blindly, but I believe I will love again.
Just...not now.
I will meet he, who is
out there, at the right time, at the right place...when my Father says I am
ready. And I'm finally done here. Good Bye.
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