Silent Rant

I've been so stupid, so silly recently and I've come to a point in life when I hate myself. I hate my attitude, my character and even my own body. Yes, it's like falling back into seventeen when I'm still searching for myself, looking for a place to stand in society, developing crushes and hot blushes, and then fighting to survive in my lonely corner.

Yes, I've finally rejected the first him. Seriously. Really. But he's still not taking it the way he should. I don't know what to do now. I'm afraid he'll break down. But then, at the end of the day, what Has to be done, HAS to be done. I don't know, I only know I did the right thing, at the right time.

As for the second him, he just had an accident. Was bad, really bad. And I don't know, I love him as a friend, but only a friend. AND he's really trying to push it and giving me super obvious hints every single day. HOW??? And now the whole office knows. DOUBLE HOW??? ARrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhh!

Another thing about my crush. What CL said was right. We are so different, background, education, family, characters, age. HOW would he ever fall for me right? I've been so stupid. I dunno why I'm like this. The more I stalk quietly, the more I'm convinced. What do I have for him to like me even right? I'm not pretty, I'm not smart, I'm not even good, nor mature! Do I even deserve him? And WHAT HAVE I JUST DONE? Okay, I regret all I've done last week. Seriously. I should not have listened to A. It was wrong, it was just against nature and I don't know how to make it right again. Apparently, yes, you can get a guy to like you if you make the right moves, but is it true love? Is it meant to be? Will it last? I'm not sure now! But WHAT HAVE I JUST DONE??? Someone please stop me from killing myself! I don't know how to face him now! (T_T) And I have to see him tomorrow. But then, it will be like the usual. (Cue: Pretend not to see him, act calm, cool, collected, be myself, and if I happen to catch his eye by mistake, just smile(not wide, not happily, but just politely) Okay, wait. I get it. He's confused too. SHIT!!!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE???? We get on like a house on fire in the virtual world, but then, meeting up is awkward like OKAY SHOOT MEEEEE NOW!!!!!


ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

To wait for the right time, when my character improves, my self improves that I become more like HIM and that the right man will come and fall in love with me for my goodness.

There's a time when words fail me, there's a time when tears fail me, but one thing I know, that will never change. You have never failed me God, despite the times I ran away, despite the times I pushed You away, despite the times You called and I never answered. Father, in all I trust, and all I commit into Thy hands, knowing that Your way is always higher than mine, and better than mine.