I Don't Want Anything to do with Everything

Omigawd! I found out like umpteen things today! And to put it all together in one phrase.I would say "It's a cruel world".

1. Regarding my crush, it's gone, dumped into the sea, whatever. I'm screwed, dead, messed up, done over with...(basically all the bad endings you can think of) and it's not going to happen again. I trusted the wrong person. And if he can't have me, apparently, no one else is allowed to have me or he'll try to get it all wrong for me. I'M PRACTICALLY RUINED! REPUTATION, FUTURE ALL...I don't know! So I guess, to take it positively, I can only say, God really wanted me to end everything. As in, EVERYTHING. Which is good, actually. :) Now I see it that way. So I'll just leave it to HIM since I can't do anything about it right? Learn to love HIM first above all, learn to love myself more and then love the right one, at the right time. So yea. *note to self.

BUT I AM SO NOT TRUSTING ANYONE EVER AGAIN! I mean, I freaking trusted you! How could you do this to me? (T_T) HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME??? WHY would you want to do that??? WHY??? I thought only girls do that out of spitefulness and then, even I don't do that! And that's saying something. I mean, when I don't get someone, I cry, I moan, I bitch about it to anyone who WILL listen. And I GET OVER IT! Why can't you? I rejected you nicely and all you know. Not cruelly. I "gave you face", I even tried to be good good friends with you and all! Again, I want to scream: HOW could you DO THIS TO ME?????

*** that's the first issue I want to yell about.


2. What goes around comes around. Which is a pretty true saying, even if it's a bit harsh. Nothing related with love though.

To a certain someone(who will read this blog OVER MY DEAD BODY - which means never laa in case you don't get it)

I feel sad for you. Sometimes even sorry. You have no friends in this world, not even your own family, and you don't know why. We all know, though. It's all because of YOU. Isn't it sad?

I wanted to trust you, I wanted to share with you. I wanted to let you know, as Christians, we have the same beliefs, we share the same burden. And I thought you understood as an elder person, but apparently not. You always quote the bible to us. But what's done through your daily actions just about sums up that God may be in your head, but not your heart.

You always degrade people, how can we look up to you? It may be because of inferiority complex, but it might also be because of spitefulness. I don't know your background, I can't tell. I don't know your position or what state of mind you may have, but I only know one thing. We are all human, and we have all got feelings. You pushed us too far against the wall. And it was the last straw against the camel's back. (FYI, the camel is a pretty patient animal)

You blamed it on the seniors that I knew how to defend myself, how to fight back, how to be ganas. But let me tell you. It was the SAME person who asked me to protect myself and stand up for my rights. And so, you don't like it now? Coz I have my own mind and feelings, and I dare to show them?

I respect you, don't get it wrong. But don't call me BUSUK HATI (wad the heck) and accuse me of something I never did, just because YOU would have done it, if you were me! Don't sell my secrets to the enemies just to make YOURSELF look good in front of them and gain their trust! DON'T ask me to put down my family values because work is more important and I'm grown up so I should learn to not care so much about my family, or go home more than ONCE a month! NO! Those are not my values, not what I'm working for, NOR what you pay me for!

I'm not desperate for this job. I told you nicely during our chat, that I'm not. I told you, I need time to spend with my family, for my serving, and I DO have a life, even if you don't(okay, I didn't say that last bit out loud of course la). You told me, work comes first. But tell me, do you pay me extra when I work EVERY Saturday and Sunday? NO! My motivation for working so hard? None! You tell me my work is all over the place, blame me for things not my fault, always pick on everyone around the office. And ask my friends to try to influence me and tell me that family is not so important. Maybe that's for you, thee lone ranger on earth, BUT NOT SO FOR ME!

I cry every time my family members call me. I feel bad sometimes when I'm really exhausted after work, and my tone is not right, I snap when they nag sometimes. But God do I hate myself for not spending quality time with them! I don't know when I will still have them around me. My dad offered to pay me RM 2000 a month for three months if I leave my job, and cannot find one for 3 months. That's the extent. "I just don't want to see you so unhappy, but having to stick on," he said.

I know I can get a job anytime I want. It's just a matter of whether I want to. And what kind of job. To be honest, just ranting here. I've got pretty random offers from people everywhere I meet, to become a kindergarten teacher. That's when I didn't even demonstrate any teaching anywhere. Offers from office people, people I meet, and people I don't know. Which is cute, and sometimes flattering but then, it cheers me up and encourages me in my serving. I got really touched in church last Sunday when this dad of one of the three-year olds who came for the first time to our class, asked me(coz I so happened to be teaching that day) whether I'm a full-time kindergarten teacher. I told him, no, I'm a journalism and advertising graduate, doing marketing now. He was shell shocked! And said, "NO are you serious?" I mean, it's really very motivating, to know that though I'm not perfect and can hardly keep the 20 over students in order, I am still appreciated(though I don't even deserve to be). I learn so much from the mummies there too! Especially the way to comfort children when they want their parents, are scared, confused, feel guilty, how to talk to them etc.

And the best part is, my pastor's wife is so loving and encouraging too! I mean, it doesn't take something big to make me happy. But I just praise God to know I'm on the right track. During the Sunday school camp in December last year, I led my group in drama for their "final performance". And she so happened to be in my group la. Okay, there's something I need to admit, I think I got my mum's genes in me, seriously. I myself, cannot act for peanuts, on stage. I'm not kidding. But I can soooo teach others how to act. I just discovered this. I can role play into their part dramatically(I sometimes amaze myself at this hidden side of me), come up with pretty extraordinary dialogues(for kids)out of the blue. And demonstrate in a frenzy on the same stage. But when it comes to ME having to be on the stage acting that part as ME(if you get what I mean), I suck like no tomorrow. And bear in mind, I'm not a person who has stage fright. Yea, my mum used to be like that, and she always told me herself, that I cannot act too. But I didn't know I could demonstrate and teach like her.

Anyway, back to my point. All the other groups had the teachers helping out in props, narrating, role-playing during the presentation. But I wanted my group to have a "feel" of joining into everything, from the 6-years old to the 12-years old. There was only 1.5 days to prepare, but I knew it would be an unforgettable experience for all of them if each and everyone had an important part to play, and not feel left out, coz they are small, cannot remember lyrics or whatever. So in the end, my group which acted the entire complete life of Joseph's story got 100% participation. (yea, and the part which I loved best, was letting one of the innocent 5.5-year old girl to let her hair lose, be draped with shawl, flower in hair and sash, then "menggoda" Joseph(who was also acted by a girl) through dance ballet-sort of movements(coz they are still innocent). It was only a 1.5 minute scene done through narration by another kid. But when the real mother asked her daughter whether she knew what she was doing, she replied "Yes, teacher D already explained to us. From what I understand, I was inviting Joseph to come home with me, but he refused, pushed me, and ran away leaving his cloak in my hand". Which is pretty good an interpretation by a kid!

Anyways, due to the flaws in mike, children fumbling for words(coz my group had to have real dialogues, not just lip-cinching with the narrator). Our group had the most flaws and was dubbed the last placing out of all 4 groups. The children were disappointed, but I told them, that we have to learn, that in all competitions, it's what we learn that matters most, the process we enjoyed and the experience counts the most than the results. Which they were happy. Anyway, we got the first prize in discipline and "team spirit" something like that. So yea, that was an additional award nobody could carry, so at least they got 2 presents, so they were still happy.

Okay, back to the point. My pastor's wife, then went home and had a debate with her husband about the results earlier(coz pastor was one of the judges). And she said, she felt our group should get the highest marks due to participation and involvement from the youngest to the eldest...bla bla bla. It's the effort that counts etc. Then she felt bad for me and gave me a Christmas present! (O.o) Okay, it's nothing much, I even think it's recycled, but the way she gave it to me and the words she said to me, really touched my heart.

She told me, "MS, I was thinking about this the whole week and I felt really bad that our group couldn't get the top place. I know you put your whole heart and soul into coaching the children, even if it was just for 1.5 days, you tried to involve all children into this, no short cuts. I want to let you know, I appreciate your attitude, and the lesson you taught them, that it's the learning and experience that counts, not the results. You're on the right track, God loves your serving, and I hope you can carry on.You're a good girl and I love your spirit."

(T_T) touching or not? Yea, so I am thus, very encouraged. And to end this negative post with a positive note, I want to say I'll turn my eyes upon Jesus and continue to grow in HIM.

:) Oh yea, another bright note, my lovely new youth pastor, is going to hold this special prayer training for a few of us in our youth fellowship, every Friday before our youth prayer meeting does. Training in areas containing cleansing, dealing with the past, praying with your heart and soul...and certain things that I know I once
practiced, but grew cold, and never took it up again. As she said, yes, she knows God is letting me experience quite a lot of things recently, but it's because He wants me to grow and He has a great plan for me. Amen!