The Undone

This should be named the post with broken English. (Even more than the usual dose)

Hate it when guys are so cowardly they always refuse to take the first step to do the right thing. Hate myself for being a coward and unwilling to start lighting the candle that will warm us all and put the darkness behind us.

But cannot totally blame me laa... look at your unfriendly face already want to run.  (T_T)

Actually, personally, for me at least, the hardest people to face are not those directly related to you in past relationships, but those indirectly involved. Friends, teachers, pastors, family members...I guess you'll never understand.

I can live with my own family by pretending nothing went wrong...I can hide everything under a smile if it could stop them worrying about me. But there are other things I cannot control. Other people I cannot pretend that I care nothing about.

I am often haunted by thoughts of:

Are they judging me? Do they think that...I'm not good enough for the other person, OR that I did something so wrong we had to break up? Do they think I fell beyond expectations...or do they also, as fellow human beings with feelings, don't know how to face me? Do they feel the same level of awkwardness? I often wonder.

Dear God, help me to live the life you planned for me and stop caring about what other's think. I know there's so much unfinished business and I really thought I could settle it...:"( Father, please do help me. When will this end? WHEN?

I'm so broken, so saddened...I actually had to come here to relieve myself of overwhelmed feelings(mainly my disappointment towards myself) before I continued my work. I have so much to rush for the full-dress rehearsal 2moro. Have to be at church by 7.15am for youth choir practice and after the busy day of serving, we have this Door-to-Door mission activity tomorrow at 1.30pm. I might actually faint with exhaustion if I don't finish my work quickly NOW. So...

WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT TO MYSELF
1 Samuel 16:7, "But the LORD said to Samuel, 'Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.'"


Matthew 10:19, "But when they deliver you up, do not worry about how or what you should speak. For it will be given to you in that hour what you should speak;"

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:6-7)


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You know, just last Thursday, I wanted to say that all the good guys in this world are either 

1. Taken

2. Not available

3. Dead

Until I noticed him again,  the first crush I ever had for a long time last year...But I know he's too good for me. And I'm not worthy.

Love his wisdom, his patience, his kindness to everyone, his leadership, his attention to small details and most importantly, his love for God and men.

I asked my heavenly Father (who is, WHY SO HUMOROUS sometimes), WHY God, why, after all these incidents, do you still allow my heart to flutter at silly things, to be distracted and possibly tricked into believing that things are possible. 

I will never be good enough to be an obedient and supportive wife that will bring happiness and stability to my partner; never be a wise yet patient enough mother who will support and raise her children to be God-fearing and great contributions to this world. 

YET,  I know that He is telling me not to give up on Love, Faith and Hope. For very  gently He spoke to me, that somewhere out there, there is a person He has handpicked for me, since the very beginning. 

And He told me He has reserved a future out there for me with this special person. Someone that I will deserve once I have been molded into the little woman He wants me to be.

And He said, "Pick yourself out of this mess right now. And take my hand. I will go on this difficult journey with you together for I am your God who loved you since the very beginning. I will never forsake you. Get yourself ready. And let's start."

Yes God, I know. All I need is a brand new start. I love you.