Life is a Miracle

Today was a day of emotional overload. I'm both exhausted(with a splitting headache to boot) and overwhelmed by too many thoughts and memories. If you include today, it's officially two weeks since I got any decent sleep at all. Hari-hari insomnia...Anyway, that's as usual, not the main content I wish to blog about today.

During CF earlier, we watched 《生命因愛動聽》 and because Joycelin, Mike and me had to rush to the Yeah! Show at PGRM, Cheras, we didn't get to stay for the whole movie. But I remember it from my secondary school days, around 13. Coz that was one of the first few times I started joining MYF and I used up one packet of tissue(the thing is, it's not mine) from crying too much.

Erm...if you need any background information about the movie, please refer to CK's Blog and read his personal sharing there too? The thing that leaves the deepest impression in people's mind after watching that movie(as it did to Gail and me) would be the lovely touching theme song. Which is, actually sad, but it has a melody you'd never forget after listening to it once.

Lyrics stolen from CK's Blog:

主題曲《生命因愛動聽》
Download link(if you wish) from : http://www.fileden.com/files/2006/10/7/266643/mp3005.mp3
曲: 黃嘉倩
詞: 潘健康

尋找半生 直到相遇，
才感到天的旨意在暗中營造，
從心接觸 真的太好，
可靠著一起灑脫同路；

流星滿天 像雨灑下，
忘不了當天相約共對星塵下，
仍然念掛 你的情話，
常贈我真心真意是無價；

情像流星 沒有聲 閃過一段情，
一息間 但看清，
情像流星 像眼睛 相對閃亮時，
心弦無 限動聽；

從生到死 無法躲避，
王子與公主的吻是理想童話，
晴天逆轉 光輝太短，
心慶幸不死的愛從未斷，
（交託上天將心意如願）

繁星滿天 聚滿思念，
仍相信生死的缺憾有天縫合，
悠長夜裡 我的雙眼，
總會在星光深處凝望你，
承諾某朝於天國 重遇你。

Anyway, that was his sharing, here's mine :

The movie touched me in many ways.

In the very beginning, the main character Tracy was healthy, happy and contented with her simple life (which was a life every woman would wish for - a good, loving and handsome(BONUS)husband with a job she found joy in trying to help other people.) That was how the story started...when life was almost a bed of roses...when everything was innocent and carefree when no pain had marred the surface of life. It reminded me of dreams, childhood dreams and secret wishes I myself as girl, had built up in my head, my own plans and castles in the air...a beautiful fairy tale - things to be achieved, things to come and my hopes for the future and the road ahead which I always used to think was so bright, big, open and held many exciting dreams that would, one by one, come true as I grew up.Little did I know that whatever big dreams you weave in your head, reality is harsh and a lot of times, that is when people see and admit that they really need God...

The next scene that touched me was the time Tracy became a social worker in the hospital dealing with chronic patients who had all lost their hope in life. Her happy mood proved to be a great contrast against the dampening spirits of the other patients and most of them resented her cheerfulness in their moments of grieve and pain. It reminded me of moments, sometimes we don't realize, but is real in life when people who have been hurt, are helplessly depressed or have just given up hope share with us, and how, sometimes, just because it's not us, we cannot identify with their feelings or share their sorrow. In this story, Tracy felt helpless in her situation and vain efforts in bringing a smile on the patients' faces to no avail... but she didn't give up. Instead of groaning and giving it up as a bad job, she tried her best to find more about them, to understand their background and how they behaved...why... And this reminded me, that in many situations, sometimes, a little effort to try to understand and sympathize can go a long way. There are times you don't even have to speak, but just accompany the person silently and let whoever it is know that someone cares, someone is always there beside you and they do not have to bear the burden alone...I myself have experienced this kind of comfort from friends and family members...so I know.

Then I remember the scene when Tracy after a lot of conflicting feelings and struggles inside, was wheeled into the operating theater after it was discovered that she had a big tumor(suspected to be a side effect left behind by the last time she was diagnosed and treated for cancer - first-stage)embedded in her spine bone. The scene brought back many memories, flashbacks of things I thought I'd forgotten...the big bright flashy operating lights I saw as I was lying on the cold operating table(when I had my first operation at the age of ten(long story - those who know me well, know)), the exposing patient robe(which left you feeling so naked and vulnerable), the doctors with the masks...I remember the feelings and first reaction I had when I knew I had to be operated. I cried inside mummy's embrace, I screamed to God " why me! why me!???". That was only a small matter, but I was indeed far from calm. But yes, after operation 2 and 3, I was decidedly much braver though not really tougher(as in, I still cry when I receive the news and I hate injections).

Anyway, about operation 1, I remember every single detail but my best memories would be the time mummy did Bible Study together with me in my ward the night before my operation...she explained the chapter of Psalms to me, held my hands and prayed with me...My church members visited me too and my pastor's wife prayed for me as well. I remember being wheeled into the lift with mummy who kept telling me, that God is with me, He is in control and I have nothing to fear...I remember the doctors and nurses commenting that I was a "brave little girl who looked so calm and peaceful" and me thinking inside that " God You are with me and holding my hand all along the way, so after the injection and the "sleepy gas", I shall shut my eyes in faith and peace knowing You are in total control..."

Then the screen is fast forwarded to the time when I saw mummy herself, pale and lifeless looking, kept alive just via the "heart-pumping" machine...How I wept beside her bed, praying and praying aloud for a miracle to happen and I would do anything, just Anything in return if that were to come true. Yet, all things to be done according to His will and not mine. How I couldn't accept the fact that one of my closest family member who was just two days ago alive and talking to me is lying on the bed and I'm seeing her for the last time. How daddy kept telling me that at least God prevented mummy from long-term suffering via chemotherapy and the treatments she had to go through if her life was to be preserved, and that she would no longer be able to live a life of a normal person as her brain was already dead - just pain and suffering for around 1 or 2 years at the most, and that we were to let her go in peace...to just, let go. I remember holding her hand for the last time, knowing this hand would never give me warmth, clasp mine in prayer together, give me support and even have the ability to move again. I recall the time when she finally breathed her last, how we watched the indicator of her heart beat slow down towards a stop(we were hushed out of the room before it gave a long drawn out beep showing the last of the last)like some horrible movie come true in front of my life. How I felt my world and half of my future plans just broke apart when it happened. Also recalled how after that, I gritted my teeth and told the devil, that he had LOST, LOST terribly and completely because there's another soul in heaven for you! How we three sisters gathered together to pray in tears that dark night, to pray for our remaining family members, ourselves to accept His will and the ability to give thanks and praise Him in all circumstances...

As these memories flooded back to me during my quiet time, the feeling of something close to your heartstrings being torn out cruelly hit me so hard, I just screamed out silently to God in tears. And looking unto the wooden cross on the wall, inside me, I heard Him speak...and this, is the pain, the very pain I felt when I tore my Son away from me for the sake of loving you. And the difference is, I chose to do this for you. I was silent for a moment before finally acknowledging the fact that, yes, indeed, He understands but the loss was for a more beautiful plan. Even now, though I have yet to find out, I am strongly convinced God took mummy away for a very good reason. His way is higher than our ways and we just have to submit. Nevertheless, throughout the greatest moments of pain, our heavenly Father who knows our every need has always been there to sustain us, to comfort us and send angels on earth to look after us.

Thinking about this scene of loss, God once again told me, your sense of security was given by Me, not merely by Your mummy's words... because I am Your God, Your Father and whatever changes there might be in this world...just remember I always love you, very very very much...

In Tracy's sad love story, I am reminded that life on earth is just so fragile, just so short...and we may never know when we'd be taken away. Some may find it funny, but the scene in which the old woman in the church talked to Tracy first gave me an irrational rush to want to be a "sort of nun" as well. Because falling in love, meant caring...and caring meant pain along with the joy...I've fallen so many times, I have yet to get up completely, I'm angry with myself for not being able to walk out of the past.It doesn't affect me when I don't think of confronting the issue, but I realize it still HURTS when I picture the moments of confrontation, unless I can escape it forever and run away to a land far far away where we don't have to meet, EVER, period. I'm confused, CONFUSED with a capital 'C'...I feel so vulnerable, so stupid...so sad and indignant for someone noble, someone patient and someone good...but at the same moment, I'm not really sure whether I can stand so many separations in life. If I could, I would choose a method that would bring no pain, no more confusion, no unfairness...but the conflict that always exists is, "no pain, no gain"...Even so, I know and understand "avoiding" is not the ultimate "escape" to all problems in life. Sometimes, there are things you just have to confront.

Jesus Christ Himself showed us a great example. As I read from the bible during quiet time just now, Jesus Christ was also tempted to push away the bitter cup of pain and loss he was called to drink. It was also a frightening and lonely(his disciples were sleeping)night for Christ who if we remember, has NEVER been separated from the Father before - what more through such a cruel, dirty way. In Matthew 26: 39, it is recorded that Jesus prayed these words to God THREE times, " O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me, nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will."



We are often baffled by the mystery of life and death, of problems and issues we face. However, let us trust in faith that any cup we drink is held to our lips by our Father in heaven who has fathomless love and wisdom. Let us pray in trustful submission that we believe He holds our future in His hands - even the most bitter of such cups, and because He has drunk the worst of the bitter cups in the world, we know that there are blessings somewhere for us in all circumstances. Because He has triumphed!

Today, during the Alter call at the Yeah! Show, I promised God something(between Him and me only), so I know that one day, He will come to "redeem" or "collect" this commitment i have made. I don't know when, I don't know where...I don't know how. But I pray He may use me to become a blessing to others, no matter what the situations are. As in the movie "Life is a miracle", it is a brave and remarkable thing to find hope and bring hope to others when there seems to be none. And we can only do it through His strength, and not lean on our own understanding. If we are willing,God can always change something bad into something good. IF we are willing to be used by Him.