Failure to Locate the Reset Button

To the boy I never knew, and the man I loved.

To my best friend Teddy, to whom this name will be set apart and never reused for others.

I miss you. I really do. Yet I know I shouldn't be contacting you. Coz in doing so, I might fall for u all over again.

I hate myself for being so weak, for missing you and yearning to contact you.

I miss your smile, your laughter...your voice. I miss being the reason for your smile, part of your laughter...and feeling drawn to your voice.

You know, I restricted you from one status two weeks ago,  you then restricted me from viewing your profile for a week, until dinner time today, when you got extremely bored I guess that you twiddled around with tweaking settings...and perhaps wondering "what if"s.

You know teddy, I was blinded towards the fact that we would never work out, because the fact remains that you thought you loved, but yet you were only drawn because I loved first. It would never work out, coz committed as you said you would be and perhaps even thought yourself to be, you were not yet ready to leave bachelorhood behind.

You may tell others I care little about your feelings, that I have high expectations, that I'm self-centred and etc...but at the end of the day, it boils down to the fact that I wanted someone who loved enough to want to truly care.

I guess I wanted us to work out too much. You said I was not used to understanding that I am already loved, accepted and adored just as I am, that I don't need to work so hard to prove myself worthy or deserving of your love...that you wanted me to feel loved, cherished and adored...I wanted to believe that. But you had me feel otherwise on days you "weren't in the mood"...tired, busy, tied up with other stuff...and you felt suffocated when I kept wanting more of your giving and attention. So guess I'm not that worthy in your eyes afterall?

I can't reset and pretend nothing ever took place because they did!!! So much took place and perhaps right now you are disappointed, not because you hurt me in any way, but simply due to the fact that I am not behaving normally or up to your expectations as you would like to? Guess who's being selfish now?

I can't reset and go back to being good friends just like old times. Because friends don't do that to each other! They don't reject, give hope, take away hope and then force the other party to live happily ever after like clockwork just to suit their whims. They can't.

:'( And right now, I feel so hina, so stupid, so sad..I can't respect myself at all.