另一种祈祷

本来在公司里有好多好多的话闷在心里.好像写部落格一句句地拼出来．心里好难受,好伤心,好想哭．但是新公司给予的信任,让我多闲空,也不会花时间在私人日记上．然而,回到家,却犹豫了,不知如何说起.

There's so many pending posts I have to record and they are half finished in my blog draft >.< Can't get down to jot it all properly, and don't want to rush through them and force myself to blog either. Things like my leaving of TOC, my new job, Gail＇s birthday and graduation, meet-ups with friends, the conducting camp and the lessons I learnt there during sharing time(other than conducting of course)...yet, what I want to say here(at this time, and this hour) is so different.

Maybe getting back your memory is not so great a thing for someone who has lived the life of an ostrich(a cartoon one) who buries her head into the sand whenever something frightens it and it cannot run away fast enough. Since day one, all these nights and when I say all, I seriously mean ALL...images, flash backs and random events have been zapping through my mind in my dreams and I wake up feeling simply horrible and confused. I don't like it, but if facing the truth, and only the truth will set me free, I know I still have to face it.

Things didn't help that some random person should text me on Monday morning. Okay, fine, he does call me for odd reasons on and off but I put up with it and brush him off. But he called the other day, first, for some stupid asking english word reason, then an apologetic Sms and when I tried to be nice and normal. He described me as "expressive with a lot of emoticons, JUST LIKE THE OLD DAYS. “

Okay, my question here would be “What do you MEAN by the old days”. Don’t even remind me of the past, which was humiliating, heartbreaking and I don’t even have any other word for myself, except the word ＂ＳＴＵＰＩＤ＂. To be honest, I wish I’d never replied to even your first text message and perhaps all the nightmares would never have begun. And I could have prevented myself from being so dumb and naïve to play a game with you.

Anyway, I've started praying for something different. Something that pains me so much I don't know how to describe it, but something that might not be so bad after all if I can get used to the idea of it.

Maybe it's not meant to be. Maybe God has some better plan and though it's a gift not given to many, perhaps if I change my perspective, I can adapt to it. That is, IF that is the gift he wants to give me.

I've seen so many cases, of how struggling single mothers were first betrayed, let down, or abandoned and how they managed to bring up their kids on their own through blood, sweat and silent tears. Outward, they can be so strong, but inside, only God knows what they've been through. What is my suffering compared to their's? Did God not give me a heart stronger than what I think I have? I'm young, I have youth ahead to do so many great things, but just, am I willing to give it up to God for a greater purpose instead of focusing selfishly on my needs, my wants and my cravings??? Did God not make me a better person than this dumb bimbo who keeps wanting the wrong things?

I'm going to pray for single-hood. Maybe it's for me, maybe it's not for me but I'm tired and I need God to help me. I’m tired. Tired of getting random crushes. Tired of believing. Tired of listening to promises of forever, promises that I will never experience the same I did before. Tired of being asked to save messages in my handphone to be reminded of people’s love, and now to be reminded of how stupid and what a terrible idiot I was. Tired of fake promises never to let go easily. Tired of being with guys who will do anything to get you before they did, but treat you like shit when you finally pledged your heart. Tired of imagining I was the happiest girl in love, only to find out that everything was too good to be true, because that happiness never really belonged to me, and I was merely a substitute. I hate the word substitute! It is so dramatic, so humiliating and to think I believed it!@!@!@!!! WHAT AN IDIOT AM I!!!! I’m also Tired of happily falling in love with guys who cannot commit. If you cannot commit at all and only treat me as company you look forward to when you are bored or lonely, don't bother to embark on a relationship at all. Find some video game, online virtual friend or whatever. I might even go as far as to suggest you to find a poodle or random pet. Not me. And NOT just not me. In fact, don’t bother to marry at all if you cannot commit. Coz you cause too much suffering. And oh, by the way, I hate the word sorry. Coz first of all, in this case, it does nothing to help. Maybe just to ease the feelings of the person who apologized though. Yea, perhaps.

You must be wondering why I’m suddenly bringing up all this shit. I’m not blaming anyone in particular, just blaming myself. Or perhaps it’s all those humiliating memories and images kicking in once again and I can’t cope silently anymore. I don’t want to talk to anyone about this. I just want to type furiously. Or maybe I'm just too human, very small gas, 没有任何人想象的伟大 and that’s why all this suddenly makes me feel so bad. And it hurts so so so so much now I’m fully awake after a long long few years of total memory loss in this aspect. I can’t even cry. And the pain won’t just go away. I know I may sound like a b*tch here. But I’m emo and my period is still on today so I have the right to rant as long as I pray afterwards for forgiveness. I know what I’m saying here is so, so, so very wrong. But just for the time-being, I can rant, and this is my blog, you have not been invited to read what you are reading now, so there. Don’t judge me.

Maybe it’s the final realization of a girl who grew up believing in romantic fairy tales and happily-ever afters and the thought that she can never bring herself to believe in love again. After seven years of drama, perhaps I will always have that seed of doubt in my heart. If a guy is nice to me, I would think he's not meant for me, or that he’s behaving so just because he has not managed to get me yet. If anything sucks in a relationship, I guess instead of holding on steadfast and believing in it, I would choose to dump someone for the first time in my life before he gets to do it first.

Perhaps one day, I’ll get used to it, and also manage to become one of those cheerful aunties who are always a ray of sunshine everywhere they go, because of their carefree and positive attitudes. And they can serve so much more. And because it is a gift, they have no need for spouses and God filled the empty place in their hearts with Himself. This might seem oh so random, but when the image of bridal houses in ss2 with their beautiful gowns in the glass windows comes to my mind (Or leaps to my eyes, coz in reality, I do pass through SS2 at least 3 times a week), deep inside, it hurts to know I will never have enough faith to become a bride anymore. And the feeling is so sad, even though it sounds so immature as I type my thoughts out. But maybe I’m sleepy already as it is 12am already and I have not had a good rest for a long time.

Clicking onto the group “Daily Word of God” I joined somewhat two weeks earlier, I find that Barnabas Prasad has shared: “Never give up on love, no matter how hard it may seem. Somewhere out there, God has made the perfect one for you.” But is it true? Or will it be, that after my long childish dream, at the end of the day, God Himself is the perfect one for me since no one can ever take His love away from me?
I don’t know.