The Update

What have I been doing? It's been a real long time since I last dropped by to blog about some random emo kind of post. Well, I've been extremely busy everyday, life lived full to the max with church serving, camp and mission trip.

And I praise God for opening my eyes to once again draw me back to Him and see His purpose and will in my life.

I loved the MYF Camp. It taught me how to let God redirect my life and find the right direction with His guidance. God gives us wisdom, we have to be persistent, we need to hold on together as a family in Christ, sometimes we just need to wait and be silent, other times we need to be confident and though we don't know what is ahead for us, we need to be draw confidence and strength from Him that He will see us through. Through the sharing, the time we spent studying His word and even as we played, I saw what He wanted me to learn and though I don't wish to share here, I must say, I surrender and I was not alone in my group.Things I had to let go, learn and walk by faith...I commit everything to my Father who knows what is best for me.

Had a talk with my beautiful CF advisor another day and she shared with me so much to encourage me. The most impactful words Ms Louise told me was: "I remember the last time you cried to me, it was in 2008 when your mother passed away. It's been quite a while and today, I just want to ask whether the girl I knew back then today, has she changed?" I cried and replied "Yes, she has grown up and is stronger today." She then told me that everything happens for a reason in our molding process and God has His plan for me. The girl she knew in 2008 is not a girl who NEEDS a guy to pamper her, to take care of her. She was strong and she could be independent. Why would I want a relationship? What was the purpose or reason behind? Love is about giving and not just receiving. She then analysed the characters of both me and my ex and comforted me saying, I should let God change me and shape me at the moment to become more and more Christ like. Then when the time is ready, my inner beauty will shine and God will attract the right man to fall in love with me, and me to him. Inner beauty. These two words struck me so hard. For my inner beauty to shine out from within. To be honest, loving someone for their inner beauty comes naturally to me. But for someone to love me for my inner beauty, I need to revamp a bit and adjust myself to the idea. Do I have inner beauty? Okay, you know what, I really need to build my character. To be comfortable with myself and love myself for who I am, to be good because I want to be more like my Maker and to shine for him in every aspect of my life. I want to be the girl my Father wants. To make Him proud of me because I live a life worthy to be called his daughter. Not just a Christian as in, a Christian. God created Eve, to become Adam's good helper, not just to be loved, pampered or protected. I will be the Eve that God wants and it is hard, but I will grow in His love and I will learn. God knows our needs, He has prepared for me and I trust that He will lead me to my One when the time is right. :) I rest my trust in Him and am enjoying single hood at the moment. At least for the minimum of half a year to completely let go of the past hurt and memories.

Let me be frank. I'm kind of in the most complicated situation ever at the moment. To describe it best, let's sing the song from S.H.E. entitled 我爱你 你爱她. The lyrics goes something like this "我爱你 你爱她 她爱她 她爱他 你爱我 我爱他 他爱他 他爱她 ". Okay...get the picture? But in my case, it is not "love" la...Not 爱, only 纯属欣赏...hehe. PURELY 欣赏.

Sigh, to cut the long story short,I have a crush that I don't think will ever ever know I have a crush on him. He's the most amazing best guy I've ever met. (*Coz this is not my personal opinion, but those who know him, both guys and gals tell me this is the "highest quality" type of guy ever, that I can meet. And in today's society, ady pupus like dinosaur jorh. Which probably means I finally have good taste.)But, I say again, BUT he has someone in his heart since i dunno when, who unfortunately, does not love him back. And on the other hand, I have this awesome guy who has a crush on me and ady admitted to me, but then, I'm not ready for a relationship and again, there's this personal barrier I hate to cross. I will not go out with guys younger than me and this is final. But he's so sweet and so nice.

Okay, you wanna know how I'm coping with all this shit I got myself into? Well, I do enjoy the long lost feeling of having your heart beat fast when the guy you have a crush on walks by, butterflies in your stomach, the hugging of a secret in your heart that you admire the person but he will never know and never do the same, the secret fear that he might see through you, the selfish concern that he might get together with another girl and etc. Also, on the other way round, I try to enjoy the feeling of being admired by another person not because of my looks or what, but because the person thinks I'm a good girl with a good heart, and apparently, I am cute =.=||| . I don't mind this coming from an older guy but erm...this coming from a guy younger than me, makes me feel a bit stupid. But then, I like being petted. (This is such a beh paiseh post wei) Okay, for the person having a crush on me, I just take it as a compliment and we will continue being good friends k? :)

Okay, let's get back to my mission trip. The preparation for the mission trip was the most amazing experience. Our working schedule was crazily tight for the past two months. And then, it was my first time ever to really go out to people on the street to share the word of God. I was excited, a bit scared yet confident that God would bless His people. Let's not talk about going overseas and trying to serve the people out there if our own people around us have yet to hear about the good news. Why go so far when there are people who need you here? People who need to be saved, who are without hope and without joy? This mission trip was nothing about play, traveling or sight seeing. There was a lot of eating(as in good proper meals) because we were in Bercham and Tanjung Rambutan, but 99% of the time was spent in work work and work. We were also reminded of Mary and Martha, and their choices. In our work, we seek God first, we do everything for Him and through Him.

For five days and four nights, we were packed with programmes, from market love actions, fun and learning sessions and Job Street talks for teenagers, kids and grown-ups, the Mid Autumn festival massive gathering. We started our ground work from zero, trying to invite people to attend the workshops and sessions in the church. We distributed water, recycle bags, animal ballons and flyers and leaflets in the park, schools, market, from house to house and tried to share the gospel with as many people as possible in teams of two. You know where we saw the grace of God? Sunburnt, peeling, sick, fatigue, fierce dogs...such were the problems we encountered besides having to juggle work, studies and rehearsals and preparations before the trip. Yet, God's grace was sufficient for us. Me, the weakling actually did NOT fall sick at all despite the two months of heavy toil and 5-days of non-stop on the go from 5am to 1am every single day. Talk about God's power!

I just want to praise You and I pledged to give my life to You once more! I am assured through the things you let me see...and I will once again, as You said "Equip myself, and when You say I'm ready, I am here for You Lord". Wherever You send me, Whatever You give me. So let it be Lord. Your will be done.