I'm back, to the place that I've cum frm n belong...well,my feelings? Dunno how2 describe it...*sigh sigh sigh
1st, it is not as dirty as I imagined it to be...Juz hard2 clean n frustrating...2nd, my friends back in PJ r living their lives to the fullest now, enjoying hometown life or still stuck in PJ but nevertheless, moderately happy...I have cum home to a place that has no living being in the day time until around late evening when every one returns home from school grumpy and tired...I hate living in a place where I have to worry all the time...Whether I might get scolded or shouted at for no particular reason or no fault of mine...its like waiting for a bomb to explode anytime...I am stuck at home...Bored...And lonely...(T-T)I am cut off completely from the outside world...At my home,friends are not welcome,ALL THE TIME because of the condition or messiness of our entire place...>.< We have to live in shame of our own place...
3rd, this is a place where I do not really belong to at church...Unlike las time,wen i used to join the popular gang of merry friends...Now,I go to youth to appear semi-transparent becoz most of my close friends are not back for hols yet...Most of them are studying away from home...Except a few...>.<...I feel lost in a crowd, something I hate...I Have to appear confident on the outlook,partially becoz I am older thn most of them...but inside me, I need to belong,I dun feel secure...I have my God beside me, but I feel as if I dun belong or fit into the Big family...The happy picture...People keep setting restrictions of what I can or can't do...Though I've never tried...And they never know...they assume this and that until I get so fed up and sick of everything...Dun ask me to use music to comfort myself...I've not touched d piano in PJ for around 4 months...Well, touch properly I mean,not juz playing one song or a few notes...I mean really put heart into playing...So, talk about playing to comfort myself? Shush! It would aggrevate me further to find out how badly I've degraded my standard...*sigh sigh sigh...
Worse still, in church, it is a place where I ALWAYS come in second...People compare and mistake me for my sister nowadays...it used not to be like this last time...becoz I was more active, still had my place and performance and so on...Now i wonder...This is a church, why is it so important for a person to achieve something in order to be recognised ...for people to place importance on u...Why muz u all do that? I AM ME! I AM WHO I AM! RESPECT ME! ACKNOWLEDGE ME!!! Hello...I hate attention seeking...I really do...That's why you never see me like the other silly giddy people,begging for camera attention and doing all kinds of antics to steal the limelight! That is wad i call really stupid...But standing aside does not mean i plea to be ignored...hello!!!
4th is a problem I thought I'd let go already a long time ago...I tot of writing metapheres...But now sitting down,I dun have any mood to write ambiguous stories or anything or that sort...I'll juz settle down to pure facts since dis is a annoymous bloggie...Okay,fine, now this problem bugged me...to the extent that I woke up panting today and cannot forget it...las nite...I dreamt that a guy i used to like last time was kissing a new gf in church...And got caught on camera for gudness knows what...then another stupid thing came into the picture...My friend GST tongue kissing with CCC...Geeeesssh...Horrible...Mayb that was juz becoz i had seen them and contacted them this 2 days...*pls dun kill me...It is juz a silly dream aft reading too many romance stories...haha...
Wad really bugged me wen i was eating my breakfast until now was...There IS indeed an empty space in my heart dat has yet to be filled since las time...Am i searching for substitutes now? Or wad? It is not fair for the other parties if i am doing so u know...any way,i hate cuming back here,becoz everytime i do so...Things i tot I'd ady overlooked or no longer care about comes back nagging at my mind...Refusing to let me free...I hate it! I realise that the guy i liked 2 years ago still has impact on me...Even though I cannot see him...I liked him in a way that I hv never liked b4...It hurt in a way so deep i can still feel it sometimes...>.< Expecially wen i see him or his new partner...I dun hate her, for he was never mine...But it spoils my previous friendship with her...And i forever can't use a "ping chang Xin" (normal heart) to receive her as a sister...I have a good friend that used to like him too...Longer and deeper thn Me...But she looks so perfectly normaly on the outside...So cool and composed wen she works and serves alongside him that had she not admitted to me,i wud nt dream of it at all!!!How do u do that? how do u let go of the past? I wanna throw it away! All away! I really do! Why isit so super hard? One of my besties told me,MAYBE (note that the caps lock refers to MAYBE ONLY) he was the 1st person I had ever so deeply liked and trusted...That he had a big impact in my life and therefore i cannot forget him...Oh man! I wanna have a "ping chang xin" to treat this case...To face him...With confidence and friendship once again...I really do! I cried during worship today...becoz a song reminded me that "In HIS glory...All these things are all in vain"...Which is so true...Funny how each song speaks differently to all of us in all our different moods or situations...I want to be set free! Becoz of u, I cannot go on with life without the fear of being hurt, Because of you, i cannot put my heart fully to be loved as who I am...becoz of u,I lost my confidence, because of u, I am afraid to face my own future...because of u, i lost my trust once again to fellow men...IT IS ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!!! I'm not suposed to have empty space in my heart...i should have been HEALED! last year!I forgave u ady! Why is all this still happening then? *kick u...Biar u mandul...
8 comments:
Wah the house not really that dirty meh? Unbelievable! Hope I don't have that kind of feeling when i come back. But I don't think I will because when I'm back at home you'll be there too.. so I'll have company! ^_^
Actually I always think the best part of the day is when no one is at home and you're there all alone... can just do what you like (haha... don't let your imaginations run wild on what I do).
But to tell the truth la... I do prefer living outside to staying at home up to some extent.
Response to phase 2~ church mates... Yeah I kinda expected this thing liao... up till now I just have to bring myself to accept the fact that relationships are such brittle things that they can easily be shattered by distance. Even if everyone comes back home from different places, the feelings when we gather together just won't be the same again.
Response to part 3~~ actually the poor guy doesn't deserved to be made mandul la... he was blur blur about his feelings also.. n you know, being immature and all as he always is (now better liao), how could he respond rationally under the infatuation of puppy love and admiration?
Anyways, just try n get out of this circle, and if you're looking for substitutes (yes I get what you mean because I'm kind of in that cycle too, only I know that I don't actually like my substitutes so I get over them easily), try not to put your heart in any r/ship easily, no matter how wonderful it may seem at first. The average Malaysian guy of our age still doesn't know what it is to love, their passion may be explosive, but it dies away very soon. When only responsibility is left, there's nothing worth reaping out of that kinda r/ship.
See you in December! That is IF i survive my finals. Ta~~
(T-T) tq gail...I'll try to...Bt i hate people comparing me to u...Especially d grownups...
U wun be so distant 2 them wen u cum bck,coz they all like u better...Coz u can help them in many ways i cannot...(T-T)
Haha... actually they don't really compare, they are confused! They think the girl who can play the piano well and the girl who can sing are actually the same person... hahaha... n i bet they think it's you (your face) with my name!
By the way, my singing is going to improve when I come home! In fact it's improving already. =D
And what's this 'helping them in many ways' leh?? The only thing I do is write chords, and I don't do that often too. And if you think they're being friendly just because you can step up to be a temporary pianist anytime, nay, tamapin ppl are NOT going to think that a good reason to be friendly. The only way to merge into that big circle is to be 'in' and to be 'on', both which I think I'm not capable of being after I come home.
*sobs...I cannot sing Liao...*crying bitterly...Coz long time nvr really done it ady...(T-T)
No,wen u r "useful" u find mny people wanting to find u,to chat and so on...Its memang lidat...However "in" u r cums in 2nd...
That's y i like hall life, I don't find myself particularly useful in SG any more, I'm just a vy normal 'nobody' here (except perhaps in the musical area, but even there my 'use' is limited). In studies, no one can rely on me at all (especially myself). But that doesn't stop ppl from being warm n friendly, and so kind n helpful too! I nvr thought SG would b like this.
Train your voice back eh... don't let it go. Did they ask you to do anything for Christmas?
Nope...I feel like a useless log..And i've half-forgotten how to train my voice...its a bit hopeless now coz its been in cold-storage for so long...And also,my piano skills are teruk now...*sob sob
hi, may i ask ,do i seem to know you?
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