Padlocked

Whyyy do I keep getting myself into such scrapes?

In your own words, according to advice I sought concerning another issue, I "have to  decide whether I wanna play hide and seek or be honest and risk it." But for you, if there cannot be honesty, a relationship is "
not even worth wiping your ass... That the basis of a relationship should be based on truth... that I'm a person that keeps wanting to avoid conflicts but relationships don't work that way."

Wow, harsh but you said I know it is true. Indeed.

Yet I can't tell you. I can't tell you this:

T,

I lied. I lied to you when you asked me the question you did when we fought a few days after our first year sem break.

I had to. You were being harsh and my ego hurt. I recalled sometime ago when you said how you were always kind to people who crush on you...that you don't like back. And you made it somewhat clear that I have unreasonable expectations that you cannot possibly fulfill, that I expect you to treat me as a significant other and all, and that you would disappoint if that is my expectation of you. I mean, you didn't say the exact words, but how much clearer could it be? You didn't like me. Even though there were times I was naive and vain enough to think you did. Probably some emotional attachment of some sort.

So I said no. And you said phew, let's not complicate matters and some boundaries are in order bla bla bla...That the question was to help you understand better how I relate to you.

:'( Don't you understand T? Even if you didn't like me back.  I wanted your respect, not your PITY. And I know you truly appreciate me and stuff. You affirm me enough on that. But T, I am living a lie even right now as I type. Imagine how disgusted you will be, that after all the honesty you have shown me, here I am, lying and lying to you, again and again.

Remember the time you jokingly asked me before whether I've ever "thought about US". I brushed you off, but truth be told, I have. (Yeah yeah another lie).

I like that you are compassionate to others in such a humble, low profile way, I like your genuine warm smile, I like how you are so good, patient and smart in dealing with different people, how you help others and are not stingy with your time and talents... how you help me grow as a person, how you appreciate me for being me, how we fight yet can communicate better each time and know each other better in the process...I like how we get to the root of the problem and apologize in the end,  I like how you are so lame, witty and funny, how comfortable you make me feel in my own skin, how you are not afraid to speak your mind to me and how you do care for me in your own way.

On a more shallow note, I like your voice, I like your build, I like how you look cuddley all the time and can be so adorably amusing and interesting without even meaning to do so.

I LIKE YOU. (T. T) What a fool I am.

You know, just a few days ago on Tuesday, I thought I had this Ruth and Naomi weird encounter. But nah, I'm such a deluded  and self-flattering donkey. =.=|||

Earlier on the day I accompanied you to the hospital to check for dengue, I met Auntie A in the library when we returned in the evening. She asked me whether I had met someone "possible" in the campus. I shook my head and she looked disappointed and said something excitdly about how at her age, sometimes she can just sense and see things that are untold in language...I didn't think much of that until she spoke to me in the car in our recent close encounter.

She suddenly asked me what I thought of you. >.< Being me with a guilty conscience, I thought I had been seen through and admitted that Yes, I like him. But please keep this secret or it will destroy our friendship forever. I was gushing out of my nervous state and I even told her of our two fights in the hols and how I lied to you. She shrieked and held her breath in anticipation when I got to that part of the question, and actually groaned when she heard my answer.

“I wanted to tell you HE LIKED YOU since last semester!!! I could sense the vibes, he was the person I was talking about!” she exclaimed in dismay.

"BUT..." I protested. "But you only have one class with us and during that class (and none of any other classes actually), we don't even sit together or talk much to each other... I mean what vibes could you detect?"

"When you are a mum and someone of my age, you will see through a lot of things and know," was the reply.

"Oh well too late, I was a coward and he pushed me to the wall. I wanted respect, if not love; not a friendship filled with pity out of kindness." I retorted firmly.

"Guys have fear of rejection too. He wouldn't have asked you that question if he was totally uninterested... well, I just hope you pray about it and you two manage to rekindle something. Sometimes we are all waiting for THE right one but sometimes we have to BE the right one ourselves.

...Lemme tell you this darling, he is a really good and compassionate guy and I do hope you two end up together. However, much as I love you and I do think you are a caring and good girl, you DO tend to be oversensitive and that will keep making a guy frustrated not knowing what wrong he has done, plus this stifles relationships, so just pray hard and ask God for direction and the right timing to put down your ego or pride and admit you lied. "

...
...
...

T, did you know, the thought that you liked me did cross my mind before. The way you took to heart things I said (probably because you were just being a good friend), the way you looked at me tenderly sometimes (okay I may have thought too. much), the time you spent talking and listening to me (you probably needed some distraction and had formed some emotional attachment on me following the A rejection incident and I was just a temporary float and potential BFF).

I guess all this was part of my imagination gone wild. Sad piece of humanbeing I am, haha.

Lemme just wallow for a while in self-loathe and humiliation before I call it a day and start afresh by the grace of God.

Oh well, brought this misery to myself.